Monday, April 22, 2013

17 Weeks Pregnant

I am 17 weeks pregnant today. I was 17 weeks pregnant when Clint's and my son Josiah died in the womb. We were not aware he had died until four weeks later when my body went into labor to complete the miscarriage. I went through everything a mother goes through to bring life into the world, but I went home with nothing except a broken heart and empty arms. 

I have yet to get to this point in a pregnancy without reflecting on the pain filled day I gave birth to Clint's and my dead son. Everything from that day is still so vivid in our minds.  

While that was a horrible experience, I have been able to draw deep from it to minister to other mothers who have lost their babies. They share more with me because they know I fully understand and won't judge them for their honest feelings. I don't chastise them to hide their tears because I have tears of my own. 

I wish I could tell you I walk through this pregnancy with no fear, but that would not be honest. Over the last two years, I have had two miscarriages and lost three children. (One of those pregnancies was a set of twins.) I have had several miscarriages total. I even lost a child in this pregnancy due to Vanishing Twin Syndrome. I am very fully aware of what can happen. I am human. I worry. My immediate answer to the fear that creeps upon me is to pray, pray, pray, and pray some more. 

Clint says he struggles too. We've learned through our losses how very quickly things can change. We've learned not to take anything for granted. We have to live fully in the here and now because the next moment is not promised.

Today, there is a reason to praise. There is life in my womb! We've both learned to be thankful for what is... TODAY. God has allowed Clint and I to create another life through our love. If God allows, this child will be born. 

If God's purpose for this child is different than we hope, our Father promises us Heaven. Either way, Clint and I will know all of our children.