How to Help a Grieving Friend

 I keep sharing this because so many have told me it has helped them on both sides of the table in different types of grief including divorce. 

Repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout.

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

Jeremy and Bethany Engaged!!

This picture and their story will be featured in the train's newsletter.

 

On the 12th, Jeremy took Bethany on the Epicurean Express Dinner Train in Troy, WI.

Then he proposed to her.

She said yes.

Jeremy caught this picture for us right after she said yes.

She is wearing the proposal ring in the photo. They will pick out the engagement ring together.

A few weeks ago, Jeremy called Clint and asked for his blessing. Clint told him it came down to one question, "Who is Jesus Christ to you? If that answer is correct, I know the rest will be prioritized correctly." Jeremy told him Jesus is his Lord and Savior.

This is from Bethany: "There was actually another couple who wanted to propose. They called the conductor, and the conductor called me to see if we could switch from a 2-top to a 4-top for their proposal, and we would get free drinks to compensate. I agreed. After I told Jeremy, he secretly called them back and explained that we couldn't do that...because he was also going to propose. It was the first time in many years that the railroad had any proposals, and they suddenly had two in one night." What a neat story!

A big thank you to Jeremy for including the rest of the family in on this including sharing a picture of the ring before he proposed. It was a lot of fun for our family.

Mt Olive, you can do better.

0ver a year ago          today's order

Look at the level of seeds. 1/4 or more of the jar is seeds.

The jar on the left is from a previous year. There is no date code on it, but the label style should make a date range possible. 

The one on the right is from today. It was in my Walmart pick-up order. If I had seen that on the shelf, I would have walked to the produce department and purchased fresh jalapenos. I did contact Mt Olive with this image. I will use the seeds and leftover juice in a soup, but the product a consumer is purchasing is sliced jalapenos, not the seeds.

Sweet Pepperbush aka Poor Man's Soap

 

Sweet Pepperbush Clethra alnifolia aka Poor Man's Soap. The leaves produce a lather when mixed with water and rubbed vigorously. Most sources say it is the flowers, but I have never had success with the flowers lathering. The flowers smell spicy and sweet. Pollinators love it. It is an air purifier meaning it can take polluted air and give back pure oxygen. I am drying the leaves to see if I can extract a "soap" that will lather. It never hurts to try, and I might learn something new.

Prepping vs Hoarding and Knowledge

A friend of mine was encouraging others to prepare their homes for emergency situations. I shared this:

"To point out for those who do not know, hoarding is panic buying in the moment of a crisis. Prepping is buying a little extra each time you go to the store. This thing that time, another thing the next time, and so on. Hoarding/panic buying clears the shelves during a crisis. Prepping is done slow and steady so it does not have a noticeable impact on the store shelves.

Even if your home and all of your belongings wash away, knowledge is carried with you. You can help yourself and others if you know how to purify water, start a fire in the rain, use plants as food and medicine, build a shelter, signal for help, etc. Knowledge of survival skills is free to get and easy to practice. It's all over the internet and easy to find. It won't cost you a thing to acquire that knowledge, but it may save you or someone else. We frequently took our entire family of 9 into the woods "camping" for survival skills training.

I have had a major fire loss, had my home flooded and heavily damaged due to a hurricane, been stranded over 24 hours somewhere very remote and precarious in the rain without a cell signal, had medical emergencies of family members, etc. My survival skills have come into play each time to keep us safe and comfortable. Even if you can't fill your shelves now, you can gain knowledge.

I had a baby as a hurricane hit our area hard. (I actually had babies in two separate hurricanes on the same date years apart.) On this occasion, I came home to a filthy flooded house damaged from flood waters and wind. We had dead animals because a few of the livestock would not cooperate with my husband. I had four small children and a newborn with filth and destruction everywhere. I got right to work when my feet hit our place. My family did whatever I asked to improve our situation. We had no power, no running water, and worked our tails off from sunup to sundown from day one after the storm. We quickly installed a hand pump to get water from our well. We had plenty of bleach and vinegar on hand, so we started cleaning. Because I knew how to wash and sanitize my home and belongings without electricity and running water, our home was the first one in a long list in our neighborhood that was not condemned for living. I washed the flood-soaked clothing and linens in a tub in our pop up. My arms were exhausted, but I kept at it. We worked hard to save what we had. That FEMA agent told me our efforts to sanitize everything had saved our home from being condemned. As we quickly found out from our neighbors, we spared our family a lot of trouble with government intervention. My tip: Do your best to clean before they get there or you may lose access to your home until it meets their standards. I learned a lot from that experience.

How to Extract Limonene and Lemon Extract for Baking

You can extract limonene from organic lemon or other citrus peels). In addition to the incredible health benefits, it can also be used as a flavoring in food. In addition to this extract, I have also ground whole lemons (peel and all!) in the blender and used a couple of tablespoons at a time in a smoothie to get the health benefits. "The therapeutic effects of limonene have been extensively studied, proving anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, antinociceptive, anticancer, antidiabetic, antihyperalgesic, antiviral, and gastroprotective effects, among other beneficial effects in health. In this review, we collected, presented, and analyzed evidence from the scientific literature regarding the usage of limonene and its activities and underlying mechanisms involved in combating diseases. The highlighting of limonene applications could develop a useful targeting of innovative research in this field as well as the development of a limonene-based phytomedicine which could be used in a variety of conditions of health and disease." Source: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29427589/

A friend asked me for more info:

Extract: You can extract limonene from the organic peels using 80-proof Vodka (a menstrumm). Vodka is the choice most herbalists make because it does not impart a flavor. You want the yellow part only for the extract. The white pith will make it bitter which is not good for baking. I like to make strong extracts, so I fill the jar up to the shoulder with lemon peels. Then I pour the vodka over it. I work out the air bubbles and add more vodka. Keep it in a dark place for at least 6 weeks but longer is better. There is nothing wrong with leaving the peels in while you start using it. It will keep extracting. You can keep topping it off with vodka for a while too. Some of the best herbalists in the world will leave the plant matter in the jar for a year or longer. Whole lemon: Chop the whole lemon and put it in the blender. I have a Ninja and it did quite well with it. It looks like tiny minced bits when it is done. This adds a bit of a bitter flavor to plain water, but it was still drinkable if I did not go too heavy. It is better in a smoothie though.

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Bethany's Birthday

Illness struck Bethany and Jeremy the day before her birthday. They had planned a nice week of activities, but they had to give them up. Jeremy was going to make her a chocolate silk pie as her birthday dessert. Bless Jeremy's heart, even with a fever and feeling horrible, he made sure she had a birthday cake. He still plans to do the pie after he is well.

Jewelweed

Jewelweed is mostly used externally by herbalists today. It makes a great salve that can treat skin irritations like insect bites, poison ivy, stinging nettle, hives, sunburn, and more. The cooled water from boiled leaves and flowers not only calms the itch and burning, it also helps the rash of poison ivy heal faster. The Cherokee, Iroquois, Chippewa, and other tribes used it internally and externally for a wide variety of ailments. Mine is being extracted in olive oil along with plantain for a salve I will make in the very near future.