We do not stay there...

 I like how this verse in Isaiah 43 uses the word "through."

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame kindle upon you.”

We pass THROUGH these things with God's help. We do not stay in the troubles of life. God takes us THROUGH them.

Penny Scribble

 This took me all week. I got the idea from a drawing I saw online and tried to adapt the style for my Pretty Penny. I am not 100% happy with it. However, I've learned from previous experience that if I keep messing with it, I will ruin it. Her eyes and muzzle aren't quite what I want, and I made some mistakes here and there. Her nose is a tiny bit too large, but I like how it came out. I outlined the top of the nose and then turned the page sideways to draw a D to form the bottom half and nostrils. I am not good at drawing. It takes me a long time, and I erase A LOT. If I get a moment, I may try to do this again and make the changes to see if I can capture Penny better.

How to Help a Grieving Friend

 I keep sharing this because so many have told me it has helped them on both sides of the table in different types of grief including divorce. 

Repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout.

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

Heard but ignored

They heard the alarm but ignored it,

so the responsibility is theirs.

If they had listened to the warning,

they could have saved their lives. 

Ezekiel 33:5

Current events are exactly what the Bible said they would be.
Are you ignoring the warning?

Heaven is My Home

 “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is I was made for another world…Earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy but to arouse, to suggest, the real thing.” ~C.S. Lewis

Little Log Cabin

This cabin was built in the 80s from logs taken from the trees on site.
The porch has built in seating which made it a nice place to rest and talk with 85-year-old Gene. The small building is a pit outhouse.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

For every house is builded by some man; but he that built all things is God. Hebrews 3:4

panem et circenses

 "panem et circenses"

IYKYK

The Gale Windsnapped a Dead Tree

By the way she set to barking, I guess Penny saw the big dead tree fall across the driveway on the 16th. It upset her so much, you would have thought a horde was coming up the driveway to get us all! She only calmed down after I walked out there. I took pictures of it so Clint would know what he had to do when he came home. It must have scared the dog because she kept"murmuring" about it.

I asked Clint what items he needed ready and prepared them. I have tried to do that for anything I could over the years. He is always appreciative. He came home an hour early and made short work of it.

Lightning struck two of the tall pines lining our driveway many years ago. I have been watching them, wondering when they would fall. The remaining one is taller and is awaiting just the right storm. I will keep watching.

If the clouds are full, they pour out rain upon the earth; and whether a tree falls toward the south or toward the north, wherever the tree falls, there it lies. Ecclesiastes 11:3 

Big changes ahead?

This year has brought a lot of changes, a lot of blessings, a little heartbreak, and a lot of answered prayers. As we have navigated through many challenging situations, the Lord has been faithful in providing and showing us the way. 

Now, Clint and I are trying to discern the Lord's will in a situation before us that would bring radical changes to our lives. It would take us out of our comfort zone, require a lot of physical labor, and, as things like this go, probably bring a lot of growth too. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time! 

We appreciate your prayers for us as we seek Him to open and close doors according to His will for us.

Please also keep praying for my dear friend, Karen. She is very tired and worn from the battle, but she continues to point others to Him. 

Tree Burls

Tree burls are rounded growths on trunks or branches caused by stress and hardship such as injury, fungus, viral infection, or insect infestation. Tree burls are ugly scars on the outside, but the wood has intricate, highly valued patterns on the inside. Just as the scars of a tree form burls that become some of the most beautiful and treasured wood, the scars of our lives can reveal God’s handiwork and bring out beauty in us. Scripture reminds us that He brings beauty from ashes and strength from weakness (Isaiah 61:3; 2 Corinthians 12:9). What once seemed broken becomes a testimony of His grace, turning trials into something both beautiful and useful for His glory! When life seems harsh and overwhelming, just trust that God is working to make you more like His image. Sometimes, He allows the hardship to make you so uncomfortable in the place you are, so you will move to the new place He has for you. My love to all!

Poison Ivy Exposure and No Jewelweed

This goes with the previous posts about Jewelweed:

I was asked what to do to remove the oils from exposure to poison ivy if you do not have jewelweed around. Using soap (not a detergent with synthetic surfactants, but actual soap made by saponification) within 2-3 hours of exposure or asap, and lathering up well and leaving it on for a minute or two in between, three times in a row, will almost always get rid of the urishol oil. I've used homemade goat's milk soap and, in an emergency, Fels-Naptha with good results. The goal is to pull the oil out of the skin. The process I shared above dries out the skin, but that's part of getting rid of the urishol oil. Plantain and witch hazel soothe and help heal a rash from poison ivy, too.

How to Preserve Jewelweed

One of the best ways is to make a fresh or slightly wilted plant tincture with 95% or higher grain alcohol. The high grain alcohol must be used because of the high water content of the jewelweed. Alcohol would be a long-term storage method. 

A fresh or slightly wilted plant vinegar extract will also preserve many of the medicinal properties. This would preserve the lawsone compound that removes urushiol oil for a few months, if stored in the fridge. 

A lot of herbalists let jewelweed wilt for a few hours to reduce water content and then make an infused oil. That oil can be used as is or made into a salve or ointment. This is where experience helps because if the water content is too high, it will cause spoilage of the ointment. The targeted compound, lawsone, should last 6-12 months if the oil/ointment is stored in the fridge. 

Blending leaves, flowers, and stems in a little water and freezing them in ice cubes is another way of preserving them for later use. You can rub a cube right on the exposed area where you want to remove the urushiol oil or apply it to the rash. 

For internal use, it can be dried for teas, but it loses a lot of the properties one would want for poison ivy prevention and treatment. The water content in the stems is so high that it can spoil during the drying process. 

 Lawsone is the chemical compound that binds with the urushiol oil and oxidizes it. This keeps urushiol from penetrating the skin. It is believed that the combination of lawsone and the saponins present in jewelweed work together as a poison ivy, oak, and sumac rash preventative. Again, it works best if used right after exposure. 

Henna also contains lawsone but not enough saponins. If you don't mind staining your skin, you can still use the lawsone in henna to deactivate urushiol if you combine it with a plant that has saponins (soapwort, chicory, pokeweed root, etc).

Jewelweed

Jewelweed (Impatiens capensis) is a lovely, lush plant that grows where there is plenty of moisture. It is in the Impatiens family, and depending on the variety, it can have bright orange, orange and yellow, or yellow flowers. The juicy stems are what most people are familiar with as medicine, but you can also use the leaves and flowers.

For exposure to poison plants (ivy, oak, sumac), crush the fresh stems with your hands and apply the juice to the area of exposure as soon as possible. Fresh juice or the crushed fresh plant as a poultice works better than prepared salves and ointments.

I am one of those people who can glance at poison ivy and get a rash all over. While out foraging with a small group, I used it immediately after I distractedly grabbed a fistful of poison ivy by mistake. I beat feet to the jewelweed and started mashing it in my hands until it was crushed and juicy. I then washed my hands with it and never got a rash.

Jewelweed can also be used to treat other skin irritations, such as nettle stings, sunburn, bug bites, scrapes, hives, and rashes. It can also treat burns, cuts, bruises, sprains, raw skin, and more. It is also an antifungal, so it can be used on ringworm, athlete's foot, etc. Internally, it has been used to treat fever, jaundice, stomach cramps, and as a liver and kidney tonic. Scientific research shows jewelweed has anti-inflammatory, antifungal, antimicrobial, antioxidant, and anaphylaxis-modulating benefits. 

It's edible too. The stems can be eaten raw, but they are high in oxalic acid. Boiling them lowers the oxalic acid, so that is how they are usually consumed.

I have been studying and practicing herbal medicine and foraging for wild edibles since the early 1990s. My herbal education blends extensive self-directed study with formal training through two herbal schools, complemented by numerous classes and active engagement within the online herbal community. As a clinical herbalist and herbal educator, it is my joy and calling to help others discover the many benefits of the plants growing right beneath our feet. I encourage everyone to do their own research and always check for contraindications. -Wendy aka Wendy2Bear aka Mama Asbell

Cabin in a Hollow (Holler)

Clint took me on another adventure, and we found another very old log cabin. Even better than that, we found Gene, a kind and gentle 85-year-old man who seemed like he was in his early to mid-70s. As a boy, Gene knew the old man who built this cabin for his very large family. It is located in a hollow ("holler"), is two stories, and is in surprisingly good shape. There were fruit trees and a spring very close to it. This cabin might actually be able to be saved. Gene liked me so much, he kissed me on the top of my head! I hugged him and looked him in the eyes and told him how much I enjoyed meeting him before we left.

Devil's Backbone

Modern Day "Logs" for a Cabin

I'm privy to it.

This outhouse is located on the side of a mountain, and being the only place to go, I used it. This is a well-constructed pit toilet in WV. It is made from landscaping timbers and had a very dim solar light inside. It also had a very large wolf spider, but we reached an agreement before I entered. "Hey buddy, I just need to use your house for a second and promise not to stomp you if you stay over there." 

Please pray for Karen

Karen has advanced cancer which is in every organ and affecting the bones of her ribs and back. Her pain continues to increase. She struggles to eat even a bit of food and has been losing weight daily. She has another bad infection. She is weak and exhausted from fighting. She is discouraged. She asks for prayers for pain relief and her attitude. Her husband Joe is suffering alongside her and also needs prayers. 

Old Relics Deep in A Forest

​

You need 4WD and no fear to get into this area of WV. The drive is over grass instead of a road or driveway. We didn't get shot, and I didn't hear any banjo dueling. But, we weren't there long.

Faithful Gratitude

Years ago, our family found a half-starved, beat-up, black kitten that looked like it wouldn't make it. My children brought it to me, wanting me to help it. I named it after a recently deceased friend of mine as a reminder to me to pray for her family. Frances comes in every morning to eat. Then she comes to wherever I am to spend a few minutes with me. She does not meow and demand my attention. She does not step on my laptop and interrupt my morning work. She simply sits there quietly. I think she is thanking me. When she's done, she goes to the door and asks me to open it, and goes about her day. Frances is beside me now, purring with her warm, soft body pressed against my arm. Her faithfulness in gratitude is a touching reminder of how much more we should remember what Christ has done for us. 

The War is Raging

“As soldiers of Christ, our promise is victory in battle, not the absence of conflict.” Even though the victory belongs to the Lord, in the face of most certain battle, it is still our duty as soldiers and ambassadors to train and wage war (Prov 21:31). When we are attacked, we are in a singular battle, a microcosm of the overall war. It is meant to distract us, to divide us from others, to destroy our hope and joy. We must remember that we are not alone in battle and that many others are involved in the war. We are not meant to fight alone and individual battles may be difficult, but our victory is secured in Christ (John 16:33, Rom 8:37-39)." Dr. Karl Payne

Sleeping Beauties

I heal and recharge in peaceful places like this.
I'd rather be surrounded by nature than in the fanciest hotel.

Lord willing, we will get two more trips in before cold weather and the holidays.

Honey bee asleep on a Prunella vulgaris plant

Clint was worried about the little one, so before we left, I tapped it to make sure it was alive. It was. It went right back to sleep. Bees, particularly male bees, will nap on or in flowers. The photo was taken in daylight, but the flash made it look dark.

Allogona snail (forest snail) asleep on Laportea canadensis (Canadian Wood Nettle)

It filled its belly and took a nap. They ARE tasty greens!

I was able to legally harvest some of these nettles, so I brought some home. I pressure canned some for Clint. He likes their texture. I dried some for my green powder that goes into my daily homemade yogurt and blueberries.

Home

We had a great time in the middle of nowhere, all to ourselves. Once we got to where we were going, we saw fewer than 20 cars in 5 days, and most of those were the same hunters training dogs to scent while standing on dog boxes in the back of their trucks. One of my favorite memories from this trip was sitting on a rock in the middle of a creek while Clint shelled us peanuts. We watched the minnows hit the shells. Then there were the miles and miles of flora and fauna we enjoyed as we talked together. 

Heading for the Hills

I apologize for not posting for a while, but thank you to those who have checked in. 

Yes, we still need prayer. 

Please keep praying for Karen. She nearly bled to death and was life-flighted to a better hospital. She is now receiving the care that was withheld from her. She is receiving radiation. It is making her very ill. Please pray she can eat and take her pain meds. 

I have been neck deep in pears for a few weeks now. Most of them are processed, but there are a few more on the trees. 

Clint is taking me to the mountains for some R and R. I might get to do some foraging too. No phones, no people, just us and nature. The last time we went, I saw two bears!! Even though I grew up in an area with frequent bear sightings, that is the first time I have ever seen one. Maybe this time, I can get a picture of a bear. 

I'll get back to work on the rest of the pears when I get home next week. My love to all!

Keep looking up..Jesus will be here soon!

Rudbeckia hirta aka Black Eyed Susans for Medicine

 

 A friend took me foraging last week! I was able to bring a few plants home for my garden. I cut the plants back to give them the best chance of survival. I will use the flowers and leaves for medicine.

These showy flowers are commonly planted in flowerbeds, but most gardeners do not realize it is a living first aid kit. Black-eyed Susan (BES), Rudbeckia hirta, is a member of the Aster family. While R. hirta has been less extensively studied, it can be used in many of the same ways as its more well-known cousin, Echinacea purpurea. The Southern Herbalist Darryl Patton stated in a class I took that he considers it a good substitute for echinacea. 

I have found one notable difference in my research. While Echinacea is an immunomodulator (balances and regulates the immune response), my research says Rudbeckia hirta is considered an immunostimulant (ramps up the immune response). One would use Echinacea over R. hirta when trying to calm a cytokine storm (exaggerated immune response to the point it is harmful to the body). People with immune system dysfunction would want to use wisdom and caution when using BESs for medicine. 

Black Eyed Susan has been used for colds, flus, upper respiratory infections, wounds, sores, skin infections, snake bites, mild inflammatory conditions (sore throats, swollen glands, muscle aches and stiffness, and burns), and to stimulate a weak immune response. While there is not much research, traditional folk medicine and Native American uses suggest that multiple Rudbeckia species were used similarly to R. hirta.

I have been studying and practicing herbal medicine and foraging for wild edibles since the early 1990s. My herbal education blends extensive self-directed study with formal training through two herbal schools, complemented by numerous classes and active engagement within the online herbal community. As a clinical herbalist and herbal educator, it is my joy and calling to help others discover the many benefits of the plants growing right beneath our feet. I encourage everyone to do their own research and always check for contraindications. -Wendy aka Wendy2Bear aka Mama Asbell

Triangle Orache aka Saltbush aka Atriplex spp

Triangle Orache (Atriplex prostrata) grows all over the US and other parts of the world. There are no toxic plants in the Atriplex genus. Atriplex is in the same family (Amaranthaceae) as the more commonly known wild edible, Lamb's Quarters. 

The young, tender leaves are delicious and salty, which is where it gets the nickname "Saltbush." Those little leaves never make it to the house to be used in a salad because I eat them right off the plant. The older leaves are tougher and bitter, but they are still OK to use in small amounts as a pot herb, in a mix of sauteed greens, or as part of a green powder. 

Like spinach, the older leaves of Atriplex are high in oxalates, so consuming them with calcium will help prevent absorption. I use stinging and wood nettles, which are very high in calcium, in my green powder mixes to reduce the amount of free oxalates. One could add cheese to a soup or salad to help bind the oxalates. 

Atriplex is a good source of Vitamins A and C, magnesium, iron, and calcium. My notes do not have a lot of medicinal information on this plant. I have PDFs of very old herbal texts showing, it has been used to treat digestive and kidney ailments, purify the blood, and has been used externally for bug bites, stings, tumors, etc. What I see is that it has been used mainly for food for humans and livestock.

I have been studying and practicing herbal medicine and foraging for wild edibles since the early 1990s. My herbal education blends extensive self-directed study with formal training through two herbal schools, complemented by numerous classes and active engagement within the online herbal community. As a clinical herbalist and herbal educator, it is my joy and calling to help others discover the many benefits of the plants growing right beneath our feet. I encourage everyone to do their own research and always check for contraindications. -Wendy aka Wendy2Bear aka Mama Asbell

Virginia Pepperweed aka Peppergrass

Peppergrass, primarily Lepidium virginicum L. (commonly called Virginia pepperweed), is another plant I use when I can find it. I've been munching on these since I was a child. This one was growing in a planter on my deck. It is a wild edible in the Brassicaceae (cabbage, radishes, cauliflower, broccoli, bok choy, turnip, etc) family. Its leaves, seeds, and young shoots are edible and were foraged by Native Americans and early settlers. The young greens are similar to arugula or watercress and are often added raw to salads or cooked as a pot herb (usually added to food that is cooked in a pot). The seeds can be ground as a pungent spice substitute, resembling a combination of mustard and black pepper. When harvested at the right time, it is tasty! The seeds need to be harvested while green because they lose flavor as they turn tan.

Lepidium virginicum has stimulating, diuretic, and expectorant medicinal effects. The whole plant, especially the seeds and aerial parts, was used in decoctions or tinctures to treat respiratory issues like coughs and asthma, as well as urinary tract problems. It has also been used to promote sweating in fevers, acting similarly to other mustard herbs. The Cherokee used it to "thin the blood" and relieve colds and congestion.

Peppergrass contains compounds which are known for their antimicrobial, antioxidant, and anti-inflammatory activities. Glucosinolates yield isothiocyanates which have been studied for potential anticancer properties. Some studies say the antibacterial properties of Lepidium species are effective against common pathogens. FYI, there are 158 pages of results on PubMed when you search "Lepidium."

I have been studying and practicing herbal medicine and foraging for wild edibles since the early 90s. As a practicing herbalist and herbal educator, it is my joyful mission to help others realize the many benefits of what is growing right under their feet.

Sweet Gum, Grape Leaves, Storax, Resveratrol, Viruses

A friend asked me about Sweet Gumballs. I figured I'd share this here in case it helps someone else:

If the sweet gumballs are not in season, you can use the leaves, stems, and inner bark to extract the antiviral properties. I learned that by listening to and taking notes from the old Tommy Bass videos. The gumballs have higher amounts of storax, but there is a moderate amount in the leaves, stems, and bark. Just use a higher herb-to-solvent ratio. The same is true with a lot of herbs. For example, higher amounts of resveratrol (antiviral) are in grape skins, but you can also get it from the leaves. 

Have you ever been sick and then there is a point where everything just gets worse...congestion becomes heavier, aches and pains increase a lot, fever is high and won't go down? Or you just can't get rid of it, and it lingers? That can be a mild to moderate cytokine response. Grape leaf tea will help calm that down. I pick them and dry them for that purpose. When the new crop of grape leaves comes in, I add the old ones to my green powder mix, since resveratrol is an antioxidant. 

There is a joyful noise in our home.

First, you should realize I have had children run to me with all manner of exciting nature finds, including snakes, big insects, and spiders. Brandon asked for a green snake, and I, thinking he'd never find one, said yes. Not too many weeks later, he ran inside with an arm and a slithery thing outstretched. I climbed the couch backward. Caleb has no fear of snakes.

There are many more stories, but know when a youngun' rushes towards me with something in their hands, I've learned to GIVE GROUND and ask questions later. So, when Emily came running in with a big bundle in her shirt, hoping for a reaction, she got one. I was bolting to the other side of the room before she could say 'TURKEYS!!"

She fell to the floor on her knees, laughing at me.

Mind you, I play back. I might get C-Dawg to help me with this one. It's joyful and fun in this home. I am very thankful for #6 and #7, who came later in my reproductive years and are such a tremendous blessing.

The Lord is faithful and leads us to good places...if we are willing to follow.

Being attacked for doing your best?

I wrote this to encourage a young friend of mine who is facing so much criticism and nastiness for starting a home-based business. She is a young mother trying very hard to help her family. Relatives and others are tearing her down and telling her she will not succeed, and are starting rumors that she is operating without a business license. 

If you are also facing a lot of hostility while trying to do something good, maybe this will encourage you:

The truth shines while the jealous whine. I've had those types of people in my life. Emphasis on "had." 

No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me, declares the Lord. Isaiah 54:17

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Psalm 37:5-6

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

False accusations don’t define you. God sees and honors the truth.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. Romans 12:19

A lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

Those who are mature in Christ like to see others succeed and encourage (build up) each other. They let go of grievances with others because of all Christ has forgiven them. They are more focused on growing and serving the Lord (themselves) than what others are doing. Destruction (tearing down) is the work of satan. Christians who have dealt with what you are facing should rally around you, encourage you, and help promote your business. Look at the ones helping you and encouraging you. THOSE are the relationships to focus on.

Abundant Mercy

In Ephesians 2, we are told He is RICH IN MERCY, 

and in Lamentations 3, we are told His mercies 

never come to an end. 

I am so very thankful for that!!

Happy July 4th!!

HAPPY 4th of July!

to our family and friends

near and far, 

old and new,

close and estranged

from The Asbell Family!

Thank You Father for making us American citizens and giving us the freedom, privileges, and responsibility you have blessed upon us!
May we conduct ourselves as worthy servants and bring YOU glory!

Dear Reader, Our world faces many challenges now and in the future, but I am still very thankful to be an American where I have experienced great freedom. No matter where you live, I hope you know the freedom that comes from knowing Christ.

John 8:36

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

A Heart that Loves Anyway

I thought this would be particularly comforting to my friends who live with this pain. These are not my words, but I felt they were worthy to share.

Dear You,

If no one has told you this today, let me be the first - what you're carrying is heavy.

And you shouldn't have to carry it alone. There's a particular kind of ache that comes from loving someone who doesn't seem to love you back.

Especially when that someone is your child.

Your grown child.

The one you once rocked to sleep.

The one you packed lunches for, worried over, and prayed for more times than you can count.

You loved them with your whole heart.

Still do.

But now they barely call.

Maybe they don't call at all.

Or when they do, it feels cold.

Distant.

Like you're strangers asking too many questions.

And it hurts more than you can put into words.

You wonder what you did wrong.

What you missed.

You replay moments from the past like old movies, hoping to find the scene where everything shifted.

You whisper apologies in your mind for things you didn't mean to say, or things you never got the chance to say at all.

You ask yourself, "was I too strict?"

"Was I too soft?" "Did I fail them somehow?"

You are not alone in asking these questions.

Many mothers carry them quietly, buried deep behind a polite smile or a brave face.

They look fine on the outside.

But inside, there's a wound that hasn't healed.

Because when your own child pulls away - or worse, shuts the door entirely - it feels like a piece of your soul is missing.

People don't talk about this kind of pain enough.

They talk about parenting toddlers, teenagers, even young adults.

But they don't often talk about the grief of parenting someone who no longer wants to be parented - who no longer wants you.

So you sit with the silence.

You smile when others talk about their family dinners or holiday visits.

You nod when they show off pictures from birthday parties you weren't invited to.

And all the while, your heart is quietly breaking.

I want you to know something.

This isn't your fault. Not entirely. Maybe not at all.

Parenting is not a perfect science.

It's messy and complicated and shaped by things outside your control.

Your child grew up with their own thoughts, their own experiences, their own interpretations of the world.

And sometimes, those interpretations don't match your memories.

Sometimes, their pain comes from a place you couldn't see.

Or from somewhere that has nothing to do with you at all.

That doesn't mean you didn't love them enough.

It doesn't mean you were a bad mother.

It means they're human.

And SO ARE YOU.

Maybe your relationshp became tangled somewhere along the way.

Too many words spoken in anger.

too many years of misunderstanding.

Or maybe, for reasons you'll never fully understand, they just chose to walk away.

And you were left behind with all your love and nowhere to put it.

It's okay to grieve that.

It's okay to feel the loss.

This isn't just disappointment - it's a heartbreak with no clear ending.

Because they're still out there.

Living their life.

And you are still here, wondering how someone you raised could forget how much you cared.

I know the world tells you to move on.

To accept it.

To keep your chin up.

But you don't have to pretend this doesn't hurt.

You don't have to hide the way you still check your phone, hoping today will be the day they text.

Or the way your eyes sting when you see a family that looks like what you always dreamed of.

You are allowed to feel everything you feel.

The sadness.

The confusion.

Even the anger. Especially the anger.

You gave so much of yourself. You offered your best, even when you were tired, even when you had nothing to left to give.

And somehow that wasn't enough fo them to stay close.

That's a kind of rejection no one prepares you for.

But please, don't let their silence rewrite the truth of who you are.

You are not unlovable.

You are not a failure.

You are not worthless.

You are a mother who loved deeply.

Who STILL does. And that love?

It doesn't disappear just because it wasn't returned.

Love isn't measured by the heart that gives it.

And your heart has always been full.

You might be asking yourself, "What do I do now?"

How far do you go on loving someone who's pulled so far away?

The answer is - gently.

You love yourself first.

You honor what you've been through.

You remind yourself that your life isn't over just because a relationship(s) is(are)broken.

There are still moments ahead for you.

Moments of laughter, joy, even peace.

Even if they don't come from your child.

You can still be loved. You can still find a connection.

It may come from friends, neighbors, nieces, or other mothers who know your pain.

It may come from people who see you, really see you, for all that you are.

And if that love shows up in a different shape than you expected, that's okay.

It's still real. It's still yours.

And maybe, one day, your child will find their way back.

Maybe they won't.

But either way, you don't have to keep your heart locked away.

You don't have to stop being the kind of person who loves deeply.

In fact, the world needs more people like you.

People who love even when it hurts.

People who keep showing up, even when no one claps for them.

People who still have hope, even when it flickers.

If today is hard, let it be hard.

If tears come, let them fall.

You've held it together for long enough.

And maybe, it's time to stop pretending you're fine when you're not.

You don't have to be strong every second.

You don't have to be the one who always understands.

You can be the one who is hurting.

The one who is healing.

The one who is still learning how to carry love that has nowhere to land.

There is something deeply beautiful about that kind of heart.

A heart that loves anyway.

That forgives without forgetting.

That hopes without demanding.

That grieves without giving up.

And that heart? That's yours.

Don't let anyone, not even your child, convince you it's not enough.

You ARE enough. Even in your pain. Even in your waiting.

Even in your wondering.

You are not invisible.

You are not forgotten.

And you are not alone.

There are so many women like you - quietly hurting, quietly loving, quietly hoping.

So if you ever feel like you're the only one carrying this kind of grief, remember this letter.

Remember that someone out there sees you. Someone understands the ache you don't always talk about.

And someone believes, without a doubt, that your love still matters.

YOU still matter.

Always.

(author unknown)