How to Help a Grieving Friend

 I keep sharing this because so many have told me it has helped them on both sides of the table in different types of grief including divorce. 

Repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout.

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

Today, I choose

Sarah, Rebecca, Josiah, Angel Noel, Abigail, Benjamin, Mary, Isaac, and Jonathan

Faith is not a magic pill that removes our pain. Faith is what helps us bear it. 

Today, I choose to be thankful for the babies God made known to me and my family. I choose to rejoice as a person who truly believes God's promises will come to fruition. Choosing to honor God with my attitude, thoughts, and words does not mean I have stopped loving or love less. It means I've taken God at His Word. I believe He has a plan and what He allows is for my good and His glory. I believe there is life and a future for the babies who died in my womb. It means He has given me, and I have readily grasped ahold of, some of His strength so I can keep doing the job He has called me to do.  

Today is the day I remember my precious nine, celebrate their short lives, and thank my Father that this is not how the story ends. 

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

How to Help a Grieving Friend

 I keep sharing this because so many have told me it has helped them on both sides of the table in different types of grief including divorce. 

Repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout.

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

Remembering My Babies Today

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. Washington Irving

Thank You, Lord, for ALL of my children. Thank You for Brandon, Amanda, Joshua, Caleb, Bethany, Emily, and Hannah. Thank You also for Sarah, Rebecca, Josiah, Angel Noel, Abigail, Benjamin, Mary, and Isaac. How much joy it gives me to speak their names out loud to You!

God Gets the Glory

It started as a joke...

then I realized it's a reason to praise the Lord for the strength He gave me.

Baby Loss Bereavement/Grief Resources

 N.O.A.H. No One Alone Here 

Broken Crayons Still Color Ministries

These are run by a Christian friend of a Christian friend. If you or someone you know is struggling with a baby loss, please check these resources out.

How to Help Those Who are Mourning

Repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout.

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

Still Today

While I try to balance my grief by not reminding others constantly of my baby losses, I have not forgotten my babies. The majority of women in this unique group remember their babies on their due dates and the loss date. If I did that, it would be 18 times a year. I don't think that would good for me or those around me. I do think about my babies every day, and some months are harder than others. April and May are more challenging months for me grief-wise. I cope quite well with it by reminding myself of the promises God put in His Word. There's a plan. I shall go to them, but they shall not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:23)

Last year, Caleb took an antique planer box I admired and refinished it for me. He also added a beautiful butterfly latch. I am going to move what little I have of my nine miscarried/stillborn babies' belongings into that box if the Lord gives me the strength to do it. I have not looked upon the tiny clothes and hospital items since I packed them away shortly after their deaths. I do not know if I should unpack and move these things in private or share the moment with my family. I'll seek the Lord and trust Him to lead me.

Here I am, still leaning on the everlasting arms to get through something I never thought I'd survive in the first place. There's a type of beauty in that. I'm still needing Him for this tender spot, and He's still there holding me up when these hard moments come. Even still today.

Dear Reader: Some life events so deeply wound us we feel pain for the rest of our days. We do not one day suddenly wake up and find ourselves "over it." It is more accurate to say we grow stronger and learn how to carry the pain better. That's not the sum of it, but it is closer to the truth. I am not sitting around moping. I am up and living. I take in the joys that come, but I have not forgotten my babies. I miss them still today. I look forward to the reality of eternity.

The tears I shed will one day be wiped away by my Savior. I do not claim to know what God plans for mothers like me. I do know it will be perfect, complete, and better than anything I could imagine.

If your child died in the womb or after birth, I am praying for your peace and comfort today. 

You were born silent.
Perfect and beautiful.

Still loved.
Still missed.

Still remembered.

Every day.

Stillborn.

But still born.

How to Help the Grieving

For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, I am sharing this repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout. While overwhelmingly I have had a tremendous amount of kindness and support through my nine stillbirths and miscarriages, there have been some thoughtless things said. 

To the grieving: In the midst of your pain, be gracious towards everyone, even the people who say thoughtless things. It's the higher road. 

Keep in mind that sometimes others are intimidated by the scope of the pain they see in your life and their awkwardness spills over into their words. Other people are just mean, and it shows. "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45) In both situations, it is right to forgive them. Pray they learn compassion and never know the kind of pain you are experiencing. When they experience a loss, ask God to give them extra measures of comforting and show whatever kindness you can for them. 

My goal is to help others be more aware of the things they say and do towards ALL of those who are grieving whether it be an infant or a grandparent or a divorce or job loss. 

People talk down what they aren't up on. Here's to getting a few more "up on" how to help those who are struggling with grief. -w

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

* I have been asked a few times who this person is. If that is your main concern after reading this post, then you are seriously missing the point! 

Be Compassionate and Thoughtful as They Grieve

"Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances. All losses are bad, only bad in different ways. No wo losses are ever the same. Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain. What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating cumulative and irreversible nature."  -Jerry Sittser A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss

You have no idea what factors are in play that can make a person's grief much worse. Past and current abuse, other losses, guilt, negative thought patterns, and religious beliefs can all be interplaying and creating a greater sense of grief than you may realize. Things happen in crises that people do not feel comfortable sharing because the details are too horrific. I've learned this from counseling women who are struggling with grief. 

Don't compare your grief to theirs. Grief is not ever the same. When we suffer a significant loss, we enter a relationship with grief. How we respond to grief and how we navigate through it is as unique as human to human relationships. You do your grief your way, and please, let others do theirs their way.

If you want to minister to them, go to them. Sit with them in person. If you can't be there, "show up" often with texts, messages, calls, video chats, and snail mail. Listen. Let them be free to express themselves verbally and emotionally without shame or judgement. Don't have expectations on how they should navigate through their grief. Just come along beside them and let them know they are loved, valued, and normal. Encourage them to share. Having one compassionate person who really listens and understands makes a big difference.

How to Help Those Who are Mourning

Tens of thousands of families across the United States are devastated each year by the death of their baby. But the grief of these families and the value of their babies’ lives are very rarely acknowledged. In 1988, US President Ronald Reagan declared October as a month to recognize the unique grief of bereaved parents in an effort to demonstrate support to the many families who have suffered such a tragic loss. Promoting awareness of pregnancy and infant loss not only increases the likelihood that grieving families will receive understanding and support, but also results in improved education and prevention efforts which may ultimately reduce the incidence of these tragedies. (source)

Repost from 10/15/2018: The written part of this post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been shared via email and printed as a handout for child loss ministries. You are welcome to print my parts of it in its entirety or in part to help others minister to those with losses. I do not own copyright to the video but the link is shareable through Youtube.

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 

but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.

-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

this is not how the story ends.

Sarah, Rebecca, Josiah, Angel Noel, Abigail, Benjamin, Mary, Isaac, and Jonathan

Faith is not a magic pill that removes our pain. Faith is what helps us bear it. 

Today, I choose to be thankful for the babies God made known to me and my family but took away before we got to know them better. I choose to rejoice as a person who truly believes God's promises will come to fruition. Choosing to honor God with my attitude, thoughts, and words does not mean I have stopped loving my miscarried and stillborn babies or that I love them less. It means I've taken God at His Word. I believe He has a plan and what He allows is for my good and His glory. I believe there is life and a future for my babies. It means He has given me, and I have readily grasped a hold of, some of His strength so I can keep doing the job He has called me to do in being a wife to a godly man and a mother to my other seven. 

Today, in recognition of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, is a day I remember my precious nine, celebrate their short lives, and thank my Father that this is not how the story ends.

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

If you are mourning your child or a loved one, I am praying for you today.
If you need a friend who understands and will listen, my email is in the header.

Grief: How to be a friend to the hurting... (video)

Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer

October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.

Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.

When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.

One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful. 

Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.

Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do. 

If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header. 

A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, 
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer

I had a friend comment:

That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold! 

My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.

This is not how the story ends...

Sarah, Rebecca, Josiah, Angel Noel, Abigail, Benjamin, Mary, Isaac, and Jonathan

Faith is not a magic pill that removes our pain. Faith is what helps us bear it. Today, I choose to be thankful for the babies God made known to me and my family but took away before we got to know them better. I choose to rejoice as a person who truly believes God's promises will come to fruition. Choosing to honor God with my attitude, thoughts, and words does not mean I have stopped loving my miscarried and stillborn babies or that I love them less. It means I've taken God at His Word. I believe He has a plan and what He allows is for my good and His glory. I believe there is life and a future for my babies. It means He has given me, and I have readily grasped a hold of, some of His strength so I can keep doing the job He has called me to do in being a wife to a wonderful man and a mother to my other seven. 

Today, in recognition of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, is the day I remember my precious nine, celebrate their short lives, and thank my Father that this is not how the story ends.

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

My Birthday Present

I remarked to Clint that I'd like to see all of our children together. 
He did this for my birthday. 
I love it!

Article: My Friend Honored God and His Parents — Why Did He Die Young?

Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

While attending a Christian school, the teachers used the Biblical phrase "that your days may be long" as a way to threaten stress the importance to obedience to not just parents but all authority. "God says right here, that if you honor and obey your parents, you will live a long time. So, if you want a long life, then you have to honor and obey your parents and those in authority over you." 

It was very confusing to many of us when a classmate died. He was a good person and loved his parents, so why did God not keep His promise to let him live long? Why didn't that promise apply to him? What about parents who weren't so honorable? They were sexually, physically, and emotionally abusing their child. Are children suppose to honor and obey their parents who are abusive so they could have a long life? How was the child suppose to do that? I have several friends whose children have died who have really struggled over the teaching they received in church on this matter. "Did my child have some secret sin I didn't know about?" I have friends whose parents have died young but had been very dutiful children. "Why didn't God keep His promise? If this promise does not apply to this person, then what ones do not apply to me? How can we rest on God's promises if they may or may not apply? " they asked.

God's Word is not in error. It's our interpretation! John Piper solves that problem in the article I've shared below. I feel there needs to be a clearer teaching on this in the church so that it does not cause people to question God's goodness and faithfulness. If you have wondered about these passages and the life happening around you, I encourage you to read the article in its entirety and see what God is really saying.

My Friend Honored God and His Parents — Why Did He Die Young?
"So, if we have been trained to see these patterns, if children have been shown this, we won’t be as likely to give Ephesians 6:3 a meaning Paul surely did not intend for it to have. In the Old Testament, this promise was made to the people of Israel as a whole that they would endure from generation to generation in the land of promise if they were the kind of people who kept the law and honored their parents. It is not a promise to each individual Israelite who honors his parents that he will live out his full three score and ten. You can read it. You will remain in the land, meaning you, the people of Israel, won’t be swept away into Babylon if you are law-keeping people. And they weren’t, and so they were swept away. ...

Here is my suggestion: If you put the two halves together, “it will go well with you and you will live long,” I would suggest in view of all we have seen is that it means it will go well with you and you will live as long as it going well with you implies. In other words, “it will go well with you” defines “you will live long,” not the other way around. Living long doesn’t define how it will go well with you. Going well with you defines how long you will live. And that is exactly the way, I think, we should say it to a child who is dying or who has lost a friend or a parent — though we don’t speak glibly or say it without tears — but we do say, “In God’s mind and God’s good heart, it is going well. It is going to go well with you.” ...

If God takes a child — he gives and he takes, he gives and he takes — blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21). If God takes a child in the most ultimate sense, it has gone well with them and that is what he promised. It will go well for you and you will live as long as is good for you on this earth and then forever in heaven."

Please note what I feel is a most crucial point. I know firsthand that truth without love is very harmful to tender hearts. 

"And that is exactly the way, I think, we should say it to a child who is dying or who has lost a friend or a parent — though we don’t speak glibly or say it without tears — but we do say, “In God’s mind and God’s good heart, it is going well. It is going to go well with you.”

This May Be a Big Comfort for Mothers Who Have Lost Children

Scientists Discover Children’s Cells Living in Mothers’ Brains: The connection
between mother and child is ever deeper than thought 
"This was first noticed in humans many years ago when cells containing the male “Y” chromosome were found circulating in the blood of women after pregnancy. Since these cells are genetically male, they could not have been the women’s own, but most likely came from their babies during gestation."

Graphic Warning Label for Abortion Pictures

Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (emphasis mine)

I would like to express gratitude to the people who show compassion and thoughtfulness to mothers with baby/child losses by including a graphic image warning with a link on Facebook instead of an abrupt image of a dead baby. Thank you for not reawakening my grief and adding another heart burden as I make the effort to go forward. Like the women I counsel, some days are very hard, so I appreciate your efforts to not turn my challenges into obstacles. You understand God's command to encourage and uplift each other and to help carry burdens instead of adding to them.

My prayer is that God will send people to show you the same level of kindness and gentleness in the tender areas of your life as what you have shown mothers like me.

Today, I remember one of my nine. Rebecca, my little one, passed from my womb into the Lord's care. It's been years, but my heart still aches for her. Not another baby, but my daughter.

Wedding Dress? Donate It to This Beautiful Cause

Angel Gowns

Wedding dress donations become the first and last dresses stillborn babies wear. 

"The Texas-based nonprofit gives one-of-a-kind gowns, handmade from wedding dresses, for infants who die in hospitals. The organization relies on volunteers and wedding dress donations around the country to provide infant gowns for burial and final photographs. Jensen is among the volunteers for whom the work is personal.

A photo of two tiny hands holding each other over satin lace sat not far from the gowns she sewed. Her twin granddaughters died three years ago during her daughter-in-law’s pregnancy."

Do Not Judge the Bereaved Mother

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is, but she is not all at once. She is here, but she is elsewhere for eternity. Author Unknown