We had another miscarriage. We lost twins this time. God has been very gracious through it all. I know my body so well after 12 pregnancies; I knew right away when the pregnancy had ended. There was a sudden cessation in the morning sickness. I asked the Lord to let the physical part happen sooner rather than later, and He granted that for me. With previous miscarriges, I have waited close to two months for the bleeding to start after knowing my baby had died. That was very hard.
I had difficulty with my blood pressure and pulse dipping low due to the hemorrhaging. Sometimes tissue will adhere to the uterine wall, and the womb will bleed to slough it off. Knowing this, I tried to let it resolve itself naturally because of concerns of infection. I let the bleeding go too long, and I should have been resting. It was a little scary because I became very disoriented, confused, and nearly fainted in Sam's Club! Twice! We immediately went home to check my blood pressure. (It's a blessing we have both had some training!) It was so very low (hypovolemic shock) Clint wanted to take me to the hospital. I asked him to let us try to raise it at home first, so he said he'd give it an hour.
We were able to get my blood pressure to a better level with swift home intervention (forcing fluids, electrolyte replacement, elevation) and herbal medicines that raise blood pressure. After that episode, Clint ordered me off my feet. I didn't budge from the bed except for the bathroom and a shower for several days. He made me wait to take a shower until he could come home and sit in the bathroom with me. He rarely makes demands of me, but when he does, I know he means business. He will stand his ground on it.
We're constantly watching my blood pressure to make sure I don't get too low. Fluids are very important right now. I can move around more, but have to pay attention to what my body is telling me. I am still weak and dizzy now and again, but am never alone. If Clint isn't snuggling with me, one of my little girls are. If they aren't, then one of the older children are dropping in to talk. Sometimes all seven children pile on the bed! It gives me another opportunity to listen to their hearts, note their strengths and weaknesses, and figure how I can best shepherd their hearts in the days ahead. I am enjoying the fellowship with my family. When God slows you down, look around carefully, and see what He doesn't want you to miss.
You can only count seven in my home, but I know I am the mother of thirteen children. I firmly believe God has something special planned for the children we women never carried to term. Look at His love for us spelled out so clearly and tenderly in Scripture! I know my Father; I anticipate something wonderful! Through this loss, my ministry to women with pregnancy loss has already expanded. Even after I knew the babies were gone and was waiting for the physical miscarriage to start, I was allowed to minister to a large group of women. The opportunity was a comfort to me.
My womb belongs to the Lord. He doesn't ask me to understand His plan for me. He asks me to trust Him. After all I have seen Him do for me and those around me, I can give Him that. It is easy to trust the Lord when things are going well. It is a challenge to trust Him when life is giving us the opposite of what we believe we want. It is not with out cost and sometimes a struggle, but the sacrifice of my desires and letting go of my fears makes my trust more beautiful and pleasing to Him. Knowing that allows me to rejoice even in the midst of the struggle. There is so much beauty wrapped up in a close relationship with Jesus Christ.
Clint and I try to live our life openly. We willingly share about our lives as the Lord leads hoping it will be a blessing and an encouragement to others along the way. From years of correspondence, we know our struggles are what others relate to the most. Sometimes people assume we are thoroughly whipped by life when that is the furthest from the truth.
I can not control the circumstances in my life, but I can control the attitude I hold as I face them. I choose to rejoice in what God has given me rather than complain about what He hasn't. I'd rather count my blessings to rejoice than whine out excuses to be miserable. I am not moping around. I have way too much to be thankful for, too much joy filled activity in my home, and too much living to do to give up precious time to whine and complain. That doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I have cried, but I don't mourn for my babies as one who has no hope. If you stepped into my home today, you might catch me in a brief moment of quiet reflection, but most of the time you would see me smiling, laughing, and interacting with the children and husband God has bestowed to me.
Jeremiah 31:13b I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.