For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, I am sharing this repost from 10/15/2018: This post has helped a lot of people on both sides of the coin and has been printed as a handout. While overwhelmingly I have had a tremendous amount of kindness and support through my nine stillbirths and miscarriages, there have been some thoughtless things said.
To the grieving: In the midst of your pain, be gracious towards everyone, even the people who say thoughtless things. It's the higher road.
Keep in mind that sometimes others are intimidated by the scope of the pain they see in your life and their awkwardness spills over into their words. Other people are just mean, and it shows. "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45) In both situations, it is right to forgive them. Pray they learn compassion and never know the kind of pain you are experiencing. When they experience a loss, ask God to give them extra measures of comforting and show whatever kindness you can for them.
My goal is to help others be more aware of the things they say and do towards ALL of those who are grieving whether it be an infant or a grandparent or a divorce or job loss.
People talk down what they aren't up on. Here's to getting a few more "up on" how to help those who are struggling with grief. -w
Believe me, it's no time for words when the wounds are fresh and bleeding; no time for homilies when the lightning's shaft has smitten, and the man lies stunned and stricken. Then let the comforter be silent; let him sustain by his presence, not by his preaching; by his sympathetic silence, not by his speech. -George C. Lorimer
October 15 is the national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I've lost nine precious babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. Much of what you read here can be applied more broadly to include other types of loss and pain.
Here is a video from Megan Devine, which a friend recently shared, that shares about what works for those grieving and why other things like "cheering them up" do not. It will better equip you to help the hurting in your life.
When I lost one of my miscarried and stillborn babies, one of the things that helped me the most was someone telling me, "This sucks!!" I knew by their succinct words that they understood my pain. You don't need eloquence to show compassion. Your job isn't to move them to where you want them to be; it's to meet them where they are.
One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful.
Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.
Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do.
If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header.
One of the most hurtful things ever said to me, for example, was by a Christian in law who claimed to be pro-life who told me less than 24 hours after the loss of my baby that crying was "feeling sorry for myself." Their words created a lot of pain in my heart. They did not care what I was going through, and their words showed it. Their words suggested I was doing something wrong by mourning my baby. I share this with the goal that others won't say such hurtful things in a woman's time of great pain. It is not helpful, but it is very hurtful.
Crying is a normal, natural response to loss. Jesus cried in grief too. Would you have said, "It's self pity for you to cry since you are going to raise Lazarus anyway?" Or, would you have shown Him understanding and compassion? Think before you speak. Words hurt and can't be taken back, but they can be forgiven. Be gentle and kind with each other even when you do not understand what the other person is going through.
Please don't add your misplaced expectations to someone else's struggle. You will only burden them further. Acknowledge a person's right to feel as they do.
If you have had a pregnancy loss, I am praying for you today and offer my friendship. My email is in the header.
A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself,
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer
but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.
-A.W. Tozer
I had a friend comment:
That person that said that to you COULD NOT be a Christian! They may be a self proclaimed Christian, but if they really had Christ in their heart they could have never said something so cruel and cold!
My reply: Christians aren't perfect, and we fail each other often. We have to bear with each other in love to keep unity in the church. I have forgiven them completely and have love for them. Grudges lead to bitterness and that's a weed I don't want growing in my life. It's too destructive! I pray for their well being and success of their business daily. Doing that honors Jesus and gives me peace and keeps me growing in Christ. Their words are a good example to show others what not to say to someone because it does not in any way help. It creates another burden on the person. If we claim to be pro-life, but deny a mother the freedom to mourn a pregnancy loss, we really aren't very pro-life. We have to come beside people and meet them where they are in whatever circumstance life throws at them...not drag them along to where we want them to be. I fail people too and am thankful when they forgive me and bear with me in love.
* I have been asked a few times who this person is. If that is your main concern after reading this post, then you are seriously missing the point!
