April is a different kind of month for me. I have lost a child and a couple of good friends in April. Birthing my deceased child was very graphic, traumatic, and life-changing. PTSD. Nightmares. Years later, I had another stillbirth in early May. There are things about these births I have not even discussed with Clint. I have not been able to look at my babies' belongings brought home from the hospital since I packed them away, but I will soon.
This year, I was working on the grapevine when I thought of telling a friend what I learned about the vile invasive weed threatening my grapes. I had forgotten she is not here anymore. She died several months ago. My heart broke all over again. Hannah was working beside me, so I "sucked it up." Later I saw the plant I purchased to grow on our farm in my friend's honor. I had protected it as best I could, but I wasn't sure it was enough. Yet here it is sprouting up from the soil with that beautiful new green! I was so very happy to see it had made it through the rough winter!
I thought about how I have made it through many "rough winters." I can only imagine how it pleases the Father when He sees us survive and show our strength.
I love celebrating Easter and the victory that is ours through Jesus. I so enjoy the newness of spring and the beginning of the gardening season. Hope! Anticipation! My trees and plants wake up, and I rejoice over the signs of life. Rememberances of how Clint and I started as a couple one April long ago are so very sweet. My barn swallows also return in April. As soon as I glimpse sight of them, I will shout a happy "Hello!" Then I will look for them every day until they leave in August. Opening the windows, watching twitter-pated birds, and sitting in the sunshine bring me simple joys.
April. Up and down. Showers and flowers. Sadness and joy. Grief and grace.
When the dark moments come, I find balance by disciplining my thoughts, counting my blessings, and remembering God's promises. I WILL hold my nine precious little ones again. I WILL see my dear friends again. That's my reality because I know the One Who conquered death. Dear Reader, I hope His redemption is your reality too.
My love to all!
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8
