As you read it, it should become self-explanatory. I had a friend who said she could not remember all of the dates for her 16 babies that she lost to miscarriage/stillbirth. She struggled with that. She also said she remembered some losses more clearly than others.
Please don't put your expectations of how you think grief should be on another person. God created us as unique people, and we each have had unique experiences that have shaped us to be even more unique. Wouldn't it make sense that we would all feel and do things differently? Does my way of grief make someone else's less genuine? Does their way of mourning make mine less real? Seriously, stop judging people for what you see. Look deeper. If you take a moment to look deeper, you just might see details that will enable you to go further in ministering to them. Isn't THAT our goal...helping each other through hard times, carrying each other's burdens? Telling people how they should mourn is not our place.
"I understand completely. I remember my babies every day and on one special day that I set aside for myself. On that day, I give myself permission to do nothing and just remember, reflect, thank God for those children, be sad, cry, rest, whatever *I* need.
I saw a meme one time that said any mother who lost a baby remembered the dates the baby was due and the date the baby was miscarried or stillborn because her love was real. I winced. I've lost so many I can not keep track of all of those dates. Nor do I think it would be healthy for me mentally to do so. To remember both dates for each of the nine I lost would give me a year of mourning since they were spread out. I'd be in a perpetual state of remembering and sadness.
I remember in my own way that brings me comfort and also keeps me focused on the children I have to care for now. These 7 are the ones HE wants me to focus on because He gave them into my care NOW.
The other babies, I consider on "layaway." Their souls exist, so I still have them, but God is keeping them until the right time.
And yes, some losses were more traumatic than others and are more "in" my head because of that. One was so bad I had nightmares for years. I could not even speak about it to my husband, who was there, until just a year or so ago.*
My grief is real and hits me harder some days than others, but it is my grief to work out my way so that it helps me be a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. I believe we are to honor God even in our grief.
I am so very thankful my grief does not have to meet someone else's (like the meme) expectations to be heartfelt and genuine.
(((((HUGS))))) I am sorry for your losses, Sxxxxxxxx. Because of who He is, I believe God has something special in store for mothers who had to say goodbye to babies. We will be rejoicing so loudly one day soon!"
*It is a very long story, but a nurse made an error and drugged me up quite a bit. She apologized profusely to me. My memories were so distorted by the drugs that I was too afraid to speak about them. Once I told my husband, he assured me that it was my drugged perception and not reality.
Dear Reader, It has been almost nine years since my last loss. Sometimes I still dream of a baby moving in my womb and dream of a baby I can't find crying for me. Even after all of this time, I wake up from those dreams very, very sad with arms that literally ache. Those dreams bring me to tears. I have to give it over to the Lord, or I'd be imprisoned in my grief. I thank Him for the babies He made known to me for a short time, the children I have now, and the promise of eternity. I ask Him to comfort my heart, remove the sadness, and help me focus on loving and caring for my family in a way that honors and brings glory to Him. I ask Him to help me minister to others with a grieving heart. Then I get up and start "doing" whether I feel like it or not. God is always faithful in giving me comfort, joy, and thankfulness! I am thankful that we do not have to let our grief rule our hearts or our lives. We can love and mourn very, very deeply and still move forward with life knowing one does not detract from the other. We can ask for help to survive the pain and enjoy our lives, and then get busy knowing He will help us. My love to all!
If you have lost a baby or other loved one and need a praying friend who understands grief, my email is in the header.
