18

I don't mention my miscarried and stillborn babies often because I don't want to drag others down. Today, I will mention one of them briefly. I want it in our family archives that I did not forget my babies. In fact, I think of them daily. It was only weeks ago I dreamt I was pregnant and losing a baby and woke up with a troubled heart. 

It's been 19 years since I held and said goodbye to my son, Josiah. He would be 18 years old today. 

Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection have made my loss a gain. I will get to be with ALL of my children for an eternity. This is not the end of the story. The story with Josiah and my other babies is just beginning. The best is yet to come! Thank you, Jesus!

My Menopause Testimony

I was 49 years old and was still having regular cycles on time with no issues. I had been hearing about several friends' horrible times with menopause. It troubled me to see the many issues they were having that required medical intervention. 

So, I stopped and prayed for them. 

Then I asked the Lord that since starting my cycles, my cycles, conceiving (periods of infertility), miscarriages, stillbirths, and severe hyperemesis gravidarum had been so hard, could He please make my menopause experience easy? He did. I never had another cycle. I had some minor sleep issues a couple of years later, but it has been a cake walk compared to the rest of my reproductive life. 

He is gracious and giving. I am very thankful to Him that I had an easier time of it for menopause. 

God Gets the Glory

It started as a joke...

then I realized it's a reason to praise the Lord for the strength He gave me.

I am the mother of 16.

“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

my grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;

the flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.”

– How Firm a Foundation by John Rippon, 1787

Sarah, Rebecca, Josiah, Angel Noel, Abigail, Benjamin, Mary, Isaac, and Jonathan

This is the day I remember the nine babies I have lost to miscarriage and stillbirth. This is the day I give thanks for their short lives made known to me.

This is the day I give thanks to God for carrying me through the unimaginable.

All His ways are good! He is worthy to be praised!

Food poisoning made me thankful all over again...

I contracted food poisoning from frozen strawberries. I was extremely violently ill for several hours. Poor Clint was beside himself! After I had forcefully vomited the 20th time, I could no longer stand up to get to the bathroom. We had to keep the trashcan beside where I was resting in the bed. The experience was easier than when I was carrying babies and had severe hyperemesis gravidarum, but it was still a miserable experience with some lingering effects.

I am thankful for the food poisoning. 

The experience was so torturous that I reflected back on my pregnancies. At one point, Clint and I thought my throat had torn along the same tear (Mallory Wiess tear) I had during my pregnancies which was a bit scary. That bleeding can continue the cycle of vomiting and can be a bit hard to stop. BUT, it was good to reminisce about what I had been through to bring my children into the world. 

Two days later: 

My stomach is better, but it is still touchy. I am very careful about what I ingest.

My throat is raw, and I can barely speak.

My abdomen is so sore I still can't move without wincing. I am going to go exercise in the pool later today to see if I can work the soreness out of my body. 

It took me 24 hours of electrolytes to get my body to feel almost back to normal. I'm still not quite right, but those who know me well know I am never "quite right." :-) 

All I have been able to think about is "HOW did I survive this day in and day out for months at a time over and over for years of my life?" 

I have only one answer. 

"Because of Jesus!"

Dear Reader, I am so thankful for the strength and determination He abundantly supplied to enable me to have my children..both the living and the ones with Him. Today at 53 years old, nine years since I have carried a baby in my womb, I stand renewed with amazement at what He brought me through to give me the blessing of my children. I could not have done that on my own. It was Jesus! What difficult experiences have you looked back on and have been thankful for God carrying you through?

Joking: Athletes, if you want to impress me, get your body into condition to not be sore after throwing up 20+ times a day. I was there in my younger years. It would hurt for the first couple of weeks of pregnancy, and then my muscles were good to go. Vomiting repeatedly is a rough workout, and I am feeling it today.

Seriously: If you have hyperemesis gravidarum, I am praying for you and your baby. It's a tough battle. If you need a friend and prayer warrior, please email me at the email in the header.

This is the day

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.

Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:31-39

This is the day I set aside every year to allow myself to remember my stillborn and miscarried babies. You see, I have a whole bunch of other children, nine to be exact, that others can't see. I know most women do their remembrances in October, and I do too to some extent. However, this is not about the community of shared losses or about educating others. This day is a day I made time for myself to do whatever I need to do. 

I gave birth to a dead child on this day. I held him and then I left the hospital without him. I paid someone $500 to burn his body into ashes so I could bury him at home. If something like this has never happened to you, you might think that you can't comprehend what it is like. You can't, and I'm glad you can't. It's awful. I survived it and am doing well in life. I think of my babies every day. Sometimes I get down or shed a few tears, but mostly, I am looking forward to the fulfilled promises of my Savior. 

Dear Reader, 

I was changed by my baby losses. The impact of going through that from the first loss to being well along in the healing process was powerful. However, I was and am still being transformed by the love of God I first accepted when I was 7 years old. I am His. There is great value in having your love and faith go under a fiery trial. Nothing, and I mean nothing, that comes can separate me from His love...not even miscarriages and stillbirths and all that goes with it. He is worthy of much more than that! He is so worthy of all of our love, praise, and dedication! I hope you will give Him the opportunity to see His transforming power in your life. My love to you all.

PS-I have one long-time friend who is now in her early 50s. She lost two babies and is still struggling very hard. Most people do not know. They don't understand the source of her long-time depression or realize she has suicidal tendencies. "Be kind to people because they might be fighting battles about which you know nothing." rings very true among the members in the baby loss club. I share this hoping you might be more gentle with the people in your life.

another good day in a very beautiful and abundantly blessed life!

The sweat has been dripping off of us like rain while we storm prep for the hurricane in this oppressive humidity. I've been looking at my corn which about a week or two from harvesting and thinking to myself it's "done for" due to the winds we're going to get.

Then, Clint's car broke down. I couldn't find one of the straps to our tow dolly. Frustrating moments.

I'm going to praise the Lord anyway!

I am healthy and able to work in the heat to prevent storm damage.

The corn will feed our poultry and rabbits if we don't get to enjoy it. I have more planted for fall harvesting, and we have plenty of food to eat without it.

I've been trying to get my hardworking husband to purchase himself a nicer vehicle for years now, but he likes to drive them until they are DONE. That car is done, so I get my way finally :-)!

And, I have the cash from farm sales to pay for his new used vehicle so we don't have to touch our savings account!

We have a tow dolly, so we don't have to pay a tow truck.

Brandon, Caleb, and Bethany took the suburban and tow dolly to Clint so I could continue storm prepping with Emily and Hannah. I love how our family pulls together!

Clint found a way to tie the car down with another strap to replace the missing one.

When you've been through some hard stuff like FEMA disasters, major fire losses, that endurance teaching hyperemesis gravidarum, and those awful, heart wrenching, life changing, faith defining nine stillbirths and miscarriages, it gives you perspective on what bad days really look like.

From my perspective, today is another good day in a very beautiful and abundantly blessed life!

Thank you, Lord!!

Update: 1:05 p.m.

Well, our tow dolly broke. With the car on it. I am still praising the Lord! 

The failure happened in a parking lot instead of on the I64. Caleb, Brandon, and Bethany were there to help Clint get the car off the dolly so a tow truck could come get it.

No accident was caused. 

No one was hurt. 

A tow truck arrived within five minutes of Clint calling. They should still be able to get home before the thunderstorm hits.

We had planned to go back with our trailer to get the tow dolly, but the tow truck driver said he could get it on the truck even with the car and would bring it home for us for free. (He feels bad we've had such a challenging day.)

God is good! He is so good, that I refuse to complain or let my mood slip over the craziness in this day. He is worth to be praised even when things are not going our way. 

Priorities in Motherhood

First posted 10/2007:

I am often asked by mothers who are struggling "How do you get it all done?" I don't get it all done. There are many things left undone when I crawl into bed each evening. Sometimes the workload gets to me, and I have to stop and reevaluate what is important.

God has made it clear to me through His Word that my husband, children, and home are to be my priorities. (Titus 2:3-5) Anything that takes away from them needs to be re-examined. They have to stay where God placed them in my life.

I enjoy helping with ministries, making soap, and homemade gifts, and selling online. I enjoy working with our animals, maintaining our websites, taking pictures, drawing, staying in touch with friends, and reading. I also enjoy gardening, yard work, and making herbal medicine. I like to sew, draw, cook and take walks along the waterfront. I enjoy many things, but none of those things are to be given precedence over what God has said must come first.

The last pregnancy put me far behind in many areas of my life. (Every pregnancy puts me far behind in many areas of my life!) I haven't been able to do much about it, but now Emily is older and more content to wait for me to get to her. I have recovered my health and most of my strength. I am suddenly overwhelmed by all that needs my immediate attention.

I've been asking God for more energy, more time, more help, and more ability. Still I fell behind even though I was working from dawn to dusk trying to catch up.

Yesterday morning, I cried out to Him and asked "There is so much that needs my attention Lord! I can't see me getting it done any time soon. While I am thankful for so many opportunities, I am overwhelmed by all that needs me. Help me to know where to start and how to go about catching up. Show me what is OK to let go and what needs doing first."

God pointed me back to His Word. He reminded me of what should be my priorities. He illuminated where I am (lamp unto my feet) with a clearly lit path to follow as I begin to find my rhythm again. I am a wife and mother first. Then I need to make my home a blessing to my family and our visitors. I've been here many times before and know that if I do it God's way, the rest will fall into place as I go along.

Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path Psalms 119:105

Victory Reflections (Hyperemesis Gravidarum)

Joy filled my heart as I watched my four men drive off for a day together visiting parts yards to find things they needed or wanted for our family's vehicles. This is a picture they sent me via text from that day.

My pregnancies were horrible, and sometimes I did not think I'd live through them. Hyperemesis gravidarum kicked my butt and made me whimper. I've been about as low with it as one can get. I prayed for death because I was so beaten physically, mentally, and emotionally by it. My hair fell out in clumps, and my teeth became loose in my gums. I often had to take it minute by minute because thinking of another day or week of being that sick was too much. By the grace of God and with a lot of help, I won! 

It was worth every moment, every bit of suffering, to get to this point in life where enjoy and I watch my husband enjoy the sons (and daughters) God gave us. Seeing Clint's joy increases mine.

I am victorious over that nasty HG!! It did not defeat me, and it did not determine how many children I would have! I have seven living children and nine with the Lord. My very hard work in bearing children is over, but I will enjoy them in this life and will know them all for an eternity. 

I want you, struggling mama, to win too! If you need a friend to encourage you and pray for you, please email me at the address in the header.

If you are a mother with severe hyperemesis gravidarum, I understand. I know it is hell on earth and in no way can be compared to morning sickness. Please see how I have survived it multiple times, and be encouraged to make the decision to let your child live. That debilitating period will pass. You will get through it. You will develop strength and endurance as you go through it. 

There will come a time when the suffering is far behind you, but the joy in your children will last and last. The things you learn about yourself and the coping skills you develop will serve you very well for the rest of your life. Don't give up! One day you too can look back and feel a sense of accomplishment and triumph at having endured through something very, very hard. 

Dear Reader, pray with me for the mothers with HG. Many kill their babies to end the severe and debilitating sickness to escape weeks/months of intense physical suffering. Pray for the doctors who treat these women to have hearts of compassion and to use effective treatments. Pray for people to come beside them and minister to them. Pray for the church to see, understand, have compassion for, and minister to these women who often become isolated in their illness. 

Rejoicing in More of His Goodness in My Life

I love being 50 years old and having 11 and 10 year old children.

I am so thankful He led me here to this wonderful, joyful, and very fulfilling place in life! I do not feel like I have missed out on anything, but I do feel I have had a richer, fuller life because of the change in heart God gave me regarding childbearing.

If I had listened to the advice given to me of "Have your babies early, raise them up, get them out of your way, and then live your life!" I would have missed out on so very much joy. I sought the Lord, and He brought me here. I am so thankful!

All of His ways are good! You can safely trust in Him and follow where He leads!

Dear reader, in what areas of your life are you rejoicing in today? What areas can you surrender to Him now in obedience?

A Faster Way

As the whole family packed up to head home from a day trip, Hannah found a faster way to take mine and Clint's backpacks to our truck. She was so cute, I had her standstill for a photo. I am so thankful I left my womb open to the Lord in spite of the HG and the losses. I would have missed out on so very, very much joy.

Nausea and vomiting in the first trimester

Help! I am having nausea and vomiting in my first trimester and can't keep anything down!!! I am trying to eat healthy, but I keep throwing it all up!

I had severe hyperemesis gravidarum from 5 to 40 weeks with all of my pregnancies. I was on medication and IVs. Helpher.org is a hyperemesis support group which has a support board with a list of foods that are easier on the stomach. It is called Foodments. There are also volunteers who may be in your area. I was sent books and a list of HG knowledgeable doctors. As a volunteer, I have helped women in my local area. 

I also took Unisom and B6. The sleep center and vomit center of the brain are in the same area. Unisom and Benadryl are safe to take while pregnant, and it does help slow down the vomiting, but you will be sleepy. 

I was told by my doctor that the nutritional stores in my body would carry me through for a good long while. Your baby will get what he/she needs but it will come at your expense. However, if you have been taking care of yourself, my doctor said, it will be a while before you see any of the effects. I was told to do the best I could, eat what stayed down, and not to worry because my body would provide what my babies needed for the short duration.

If you would like prayer support, please drop me a message at the email in the header. Our family will be happy to pray for you and your baby.

It's a Small Price for What I Have Now

Originally published on 1/15/07: (I am deleting some old posts that lost pictures to make room for more content. When I get to a page that has been popular, I am reposting them.)

I am in no way minimizing the effects HG has on a woman's health, but I would go through it all again to have each of my children.

Years ago, I had a lady tell me she thinks I am plain crazy for putting myself through a pregnancy with the HG I have. She told me her second and third children would not have been born if she had been that sick during her first pregnancy. "I'd have had it (her womb) cut out and thrown away!"

I tried explaining to her that for me, a child to hold and love for a lifetime is worth this "little bit" of suffering.

I have many friends who are unable to have children. Some are women who haven't found a mate yet. Others are infertile. Most of them desperately want children of their own. Many of them tell me they'd willingly go through my worst pregnancy just to have a child. These childless friends, who have never even been pregnant, have been my greatest source of encouragement and inspiration during the very worst of the HG. The smallest encouragement from them can keep me going the entire pregnancy. They understand the blessing of a child.

Nothing I shared got through to this woman, so I gave up and we both went back to watching the t.v. in the waiting area. A story came on about a tragic fire in our area. A screaming, agonized mother was shown being held back by big firemen. Witnesses reported hearing this mother's children screaming in pain as they burned to death.

The lady beside me said "I'd have fought those men off and gotten to my children."

While I agreed with her, I looked at her and said "Even knowing you might die?"

She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Yes, those are my babies."

I pointed to my big belly, smiled and said "And this is MY baby. Running into a burning building risking permanent scars or death makes my HG look like a walk in the park, doesn't it?" She got it. Suddenly, I didn't look "so crazy" to her. :-)

Congratulations Diana!

Congratulations to Diana of Whining Puker on the newest addition to your family! We received an early sneak peak of her beautiful blessing, but you will have to visit her page to see pictures and to read the exciting way her baby arrived! She also wanted to share what worked for her in controlling her Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

Praising God in the Storms

I feel like God is telling me to share this with someone today, so I am going to post it now.

Praising God in the midst of my losses, not for the losses, but for God being all He is, triggered something very profound. I have yet to find words to adequately describe it. It was powerful, sustaining, comforting, securing, strengthening, and more. Not just acknowledging His greatness in those situations, but relishing in it was like being carried away from my troubles and being tucked into the warmth and security of His wing. I obeyed Him in praising Him even when my heart was deeply grieved and every part of me, even my weary spirit, was overburdened with hurt and disappointment...and He blessed me tremendously for it. I didn't "feel" like it, I just did it because that is what Scripture says to do. So whomever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you are going through, I encourage you right now to stop and praise Him. Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

*******

"We are to praise God in all circumstances. Do you know what the word “all” literally means? It means all. Seriously. No matter what crisis we find ourselves facing, we are to choose to give God praise. No matter how dark or painful the storm may be, we are to choose to give God praise.

Praise is not an emotion. It is a choice.

Thanksgiving is not a feeling. It is a choice.

We are not necessarily praising God for the trial or the crisis or the storm. We are choosing to give God praise and thanks because of who He is … despite the painful circumstance we are facing.

Sing to God, sing praises to His name; Cast up a highway for Him who rides through the deserts; whose name is the Lord, and exult before Him (Psalm 68:4)." ~Choose Praise Girlfriends in God

****

Evidently a lot of people needed this post. Thank you to all who have written me. My heart goes out to each one of you. My prayers are for you.

Lessons In the Storms

This life has many storms. I am not talking about when your paycheck is a few days late or when your neighbor stops talking to you because your cat used her flowerbed as a litter box. I am talking about anguishing deep within your soul over a situation you are powerless to change or escape. Suffering whips us around until we are so battered we can't stand it any longer. It is right in the midst of our struggle that people start watching and relating to us as they seek a way out of their own suffering. Our powerlessness to prevail against the storms of life reduces us and magnifies His power to a hungry world. That reduction of self (humility) is key to Christian growth because it takes the focus off of ourselves and puts it where it should be. Relying fully on Him, we are able to do the things we should have been doing all along. It is the genuine worship of a God who didn't bow to our desires to change the situation ...that makes the world wonder why He is worthy of such love. It is the strength, peace beyond understanding, hope, thankfulness, and especially the joy which seems so unlikely, that makes others want what you have found. It is when you are exhausted, gasping for the next breath, bleeding out everything that you are that God fills you with Himself and equips you for doing His work.

***

“Christianity teaches that, contra fatalism, suffering is overwhelming; contra Buddhism, suffering is real; contra karma, suffering is often unfair; but contra secularism, suffering is meaningful. There is a purpose to it, and if faced rightly, it can drive us like a nail deep into the love of God and into more stability and spiritual power than you can imagine.”  Tim Keller

“While Christianity was able to agree with pagan writers that inordinate attachment to earthly goods can lead to unnecessary pain and grief, it also taught that the answer to this was not to love things less but to love God more than anything else. Only when our greatest love is God, a love that we cannot lose even in death, can we face all things with peace. Grief was not to be eliminated but seasoned and buoyed up with love and hope.” Tim Keller

“Suffering is unbearable if you aren’t certain that God is for you and with you.”  Tim Keller

“Some suffering is given in order to chastise and correct a person for wrongful patterns of life (as in the case of Jonah imperiled by the storm), some suffering is given not to correct past wrongs but to prevent future ones (as in the case of Joseph sold into slavery), and some suffering has no purpose other than to lead a person to love God more ardently for himself alone and so discover the ultimate peace and freedom.” Tim Keller (emphasis mine)

"There is a love stronger than the chaos, running underneath us, beckoning us to go below the skin-deep externals, beyond the wind, even into the eye of the storm. "Hello Hurricane! You're not enough. You can't silence my love." -Jon Foreman 

2 Corinthians 4:7-9 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed,but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Pondering the Seasons

After I lost Isaac, I asked the Lord to close my womb. I knew that my body could not physically take another round of hyperemesis gravidarum. I didn't think my heart could take another loss either. 

Most of the bad memories of that pregnancy and birth have faded, but I do vividly remember seeing the entire bottom of the bathtub turn bright red when I threw up while showering. I remember growing weaker when the bleeding would not stop and the concern I'd pass out before I could get help. At that time, Isaac was still very much alive and kicking in my womb. He died weeks later.

I've been part of several studies, and to date, I am the only woman I know that suffers from HG to this extent who has had as many pregnancies as I have. I can take comfort in the fact that I did not let it limit me. His strength shines in us when we are at our weakest.

I realize not everyone feels the call to surrender in the same manner, but I was strongly convicted my womb belonged to the Lord. When I took this to Clint, he said he had been feeling led in the same manner but did not want to be the one to bring it up because it was my body which would take the toll. Then, God sent us friends who had been challenged by the Lord in the same manner followed by a group of Christians who felt the same leading. It was a time we felt the Lord leading us so clearly.

Writing about it is much easier than it was. I had fears. How in the world would I manage to care for many children? My youth could not see the skills I would develop or the grace that would arrive in just the right moments. How would I survive the severe vomiting? Again, I didn't see what God would teach me this time about endurance and patience and being weak. I learned about getting through the moment and not worrying about the next. HG is a lonely disorder; it isolates you. God taught me about solitude and listening for His voice through that. Did I truly trust God knew more than my human reasoning? It was a leap of faith because that road did not look like anything I wanted to go down! It looked horrible! Some parts of it were much worse than I imagined!! It was so hard. Surrender means to submit to authority. Our desires, our will, our sticking points fall to the wayside when we surrender. It costs us something to follow the Lord. It is so very worth it. He was faithful to lead, sustain, and teach me. What we think will be a loss turns out to be a big gain!

I have beautiful scars that tell the story of a girl who followed where the Lord lead and learned incredible things she can now use for His glory. God not only knew what He was doing He was giving me what I had prayed years for: a broader witness for Him! My story of hyperemesis gravidarum and pregnancy losses has been around the world. So many people from different countries have read the story that I have lost count! I have made so many friends through it. My relationship with the Lord has deepened. I couldn't see where He was leading at the beginning. Now I see! The path less traveled has views few get to experience! If you are convicted God is leading you to do something, and it is in line with Scripture as a whole, I encourage you to run, not walk, and don't look back.

On a side note, I wonder how many prayers we think go unanswered simply because we will not follow where He leads because it looks scary or embarrassing or might cause us emotional and physical pain or insult our sense of pride or cost us something in some way? We get so greedy and expect things to be easy. We forget God requires much of us and that this life is likened to running a long distance race. 

The doctor tells me I am still very fertile and healthy and while there has been plenty of opportunity, I have not conceived since Isaac. While I can't say what the Lord's plans for the future are, I do believe my reproductive life has ended. God has been gracious to me. I am grateful but not joyful.  I am a little sad still but relieved too. It's a different place than any I have been. I am trying learn all I can.

My youngest is 5, about to turn 6, so I still have young ones, but I do not have little ones. I have had babies around for so long, I really don't know what life is like without them. There are no diapers in the house. I don't have to worry about middle of the night feedings. The baby toys and furniture are getting dusty in the attic. For the first time ever, I am giving away children's clothing, toys, and furnishings! It's a new season in my life. One thing I did not expect when I felt called to give God that part of my life was how very much I would grow to love it or how sad it would be when it was finished.

I am going to miss having babies.

I am going to miss feeling my babies move inside of me and knowing that God is doing something miraculous right inside of my body.

I am going to miss my family taking joy in those first movements and talking through my belly to our "wee one" with prayers and songs and sweet messages of love.

I am going to miss my husband's tears, special look my way, and deep gratitude at the gift of a new child. He has never worn the same expression at any other moment as when he was holding one of our children for the first time.

I am going to miss the newborn stage with the sweet smell, soft downy hair, warm tender skin, deep sleeps, startles, and snugly breastfeeding times.

I am going to miss the toothless grins, new teeth, awkward attempts to control their body, rolling, sitting up, crawling, pulling up, toddling, and learning to make those chubby little legs run.

I am going to miss the deep belly laughs only a baby can give along with the first sounds and words as they learn to communicate. Those sweet hugs and sloppy kisses, how my reassurance can make it all better, them letting me see things differently through their eyes.....

I am going to miss all of those things and many, many more, but trust there will be new things in this new phase of life I will also fall in love with and cherish just as much. I will be savoring each of these in turn because I know seasons quickly change. 

This is a new journey I am on, and I know if I am humble and willing to surrender where the Lord leads, I will grow to love this journey and He will work just as much as He did in others. 

Life is Not Fair

From Girlfriends in God

"You and I both know that life is not fair and that our human logic is a shallow substitute for God’s sovereignty. We are broken people living in a broken world. Bad things do happen to good people while those who mock God seem to prosper, and it’s been that way for a long time. Take Job for example.

The LORD said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.’ ‘Does Job fear God for nothing?’ Satan replied. ‘Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.’ The LORD said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger’ (Job 1:8-12).

Don’t miss the important fact that God not only allowed Satan to test Job, but dictated how Satan could test him. Job went from having vast wealth to great poverty, losing everything he and his wife had, including their ten children. Job’s wife urged her husband to turn away from God, curse Him, and forsake the very faith that had blessed her and Job for so long.

Job stood firm. And so can you!"

Go here to read the rest and find the link to find out how to stand firm. You can also follow them on Facebook.

Miscarriage and Baby Loss Awareness Month

I was asked to light a candle today for infant loss awareness. I light eight candles: Sarah, Rebecca, Josiah, Angel Noel, Abigail, Benjamin, Mary, and Isaac. Losing each of them crushed my heart and changed me forever, but it also drew me closer to the Lord, gave me understanding to know how to minister to other's broken hearts, made me treasure the beauty of life, cherish things most take for granted, have a rich appreciation for good days, ...and so very much more. It has also taught me about hope, patience, rediscovering joy, and finding the endurance to keep going even when I wanted to give up. While I would rather have them in my arms, I am also thankful for the valuable lessons the Lord taught me through their short lives.

If you have experienced this kind of loss, I am praying for you today. If you need a friend who has been there to listen, contentment acres at yahoo . com (remove spaces) If yahoo gets the mail to me, I respond. Please understand I don't always respond every day or even every week, but I do respond.

I Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you to everyone who has shared this post and to those who have said it was helpful to them. My condolences to those who lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. I have greatly appreciated the male perspective as they have tried to find healing for themselves and help their wives through it. May the Lord Himself sustain and comfort you. 

I Pray He Sends You Swallows and Turtles

Last year, after I lost two babies months apart in one pregnancy due to Vanishing Twin and a still birth, I went through some moments where I wondered if God loved me. "Lord, I have trusted you and given You this part of my life, and You use it to rip my heart out eight times now. Do You still love me? Because right now, I do not feel loved at all. Lord, I am asking You, if there is a purpose to all of this, and if You still love me, send me something so I can KNOW it is from You and will know You still love me in the rough patches I know are going to come."

And I heard that quiet, still voice ask, "What would let you know?"

"Lord, I am simple. I don't know...a turtle, Lord, send me a turtle, and I will know." (I have no idea why turtles popped into my mind at that moment.)

No one knew of my struggle because I didn't want to burden the people who were already hurting for me. So, no one knew of my prayer.

The very next morning people brought me five turtles. I never told them why I was acting so odd that day. The turtles kept coming and as they did, I'd sit down and stare at them. I realize as I am typing this I really didn't expect any to show up. 

Over the course of a few weeks, around 20 turtles were brought to me. When the five came, I had a little cry while thanking God for His love for me, a personal and individual love just for me. Then, I became a little floored..so many! "Lord, You are sending so many turtles; I see so much love!" Towards the end, I laughed. "OK, Lord, I get it. You love me without end, but I can't handle any more turtles right now!" I was brought a couple more after that.

Right on the heels of that, swallows came and nested in the awning over my front door. I have lived here 18 years and swallows have never nested at our door before. In fact, they had left our place three years earlier when we lost the big barn in the fire. The nine of us are in and out of that door dozens of times a day EACH. Very high traffic. It was unusual. I did some research on swallows and learned the symbolism behind them. I knew then it was a God-thing too!

Then the swallows needed help due to the heat, so I helped them. Then a cat ate one of the last two fledglings, and I took the other into the house until I knew it could fly well enough to avoid them. When its parents came again, I took it outside and gave them their last surviving offspring. Even though they nested elsewhere this year, the swallows come visit when I am in the yard, closer to me than anyone else, sit on the wire and "talk" to me, they fly circles over my head (the equivalent of them pointing). If I am in the backyard, that's where they will circle. If I am in the front, that is where they will fly over me. Sometimes I can call "Chip, Chip!!" and he will come from somewhere behind our property and fly over me a few times. I can tell Chip from the other swallows because he chatters at me for long moments. The people who have witnessed it are impressed. 

When I see them, which is very often right now, I think of God's willingness and eagerness to show me His love at a time I needed it most. I also think of how little Chip and I both survived a very hard year. We both needed a little bit of help..him from me and me from my Father, but we overcame some harsh realities of life.

Turtles and swallows..it's a God and me thing. You might not understand it, but I do, and that is why He sent them to me. 

No matter what comes in your life, God does love you. Surrendering shows a humble heart willing to honor the Lord with a gift however He sees fit. I was naturally hoping for another baby to hold and raise to adulthood, but God had a greater plan. Because I responded to His call in 1995 and trusted whatever His will for me in that area was, He gave me several children to hold now, several more I will hold in the future, spiritual lessons to better equip me, and at the same time, He gave me a ministry to reach others for Him. 

I also learned better how to pray for those who are hurting. When you are at your lowest, hurting and battered by this life, that is when I pray He will send you barn swallows and turtles...or the equivalent of those in your life...to reaffirm His great love for you.

The loss of any good thing in this world by a Christian is meant to reveal that Christ is more precious than all. John Piper

Psalm 145:9 The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.