This is the day

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.

Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:31-39

This is the day I set aside every year to allow myself to remember my stillborn and miscarried babies. You see, I have a whole bunch of other children, nine to be exact, that others can't see. I know most women do their remembrances in October, and I do too to some extent. However, this is not about the community of shared losses or about educating others. This day is a day I made time for myself to do whatever I need to do. 

I gave birth to a dead child on this day. I held him and then I left the hospital without him. I paid someone $500 to burn his body into ashes so I could bury him at home. If something like this has never happened to you, you might think that you can't comprehend what it is like. You can't, and I'm glad you can't. It's awful. I survived it and am doing well in life. I think of my babies every day. Sometimes I get down or shed a few tears, but mostly, I am looking forward to the fulfilled promises of my Savior. 

Dear Reader, 

I was changed by my baby losses. The impact of going through that from the first loss to being well along in the healing process was powerful. However, I was and am still being transformed by the love of God I first accepted when I was 7 years old. I am His. There is great value in having your love and faith go under a fiery trial. Nothing, and I mean nothing, that comes can separate me from His love...not even miscarriages and stillbirths and all that goes with it. He is worthy of much more than that! He is so worthy of all of our love, praise, and dedication! I hope you will give Him the opportunity to see His transforming power in your life. My love to you all.

PS-I have one long-time friend who is now in her early 50s. She lost two babies and is still struggling very hard. Most people do not know. They don't understand the source of her long-time depression or realize she has suicidal tendencies. "Be kind to people because they might be fighting battles about which you know nothing." rings very true among the members in the baby loss club. I share this hoping you might be more gentle with the people in your life.

Be Compassionate and Thoughtful as They Grieve

"Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances. All losses are bad, only bad in different ways. No wo losses are ever the same. Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain. What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating cumulative and irreversible nature."  -Jerry Sittser A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss

You have no idea what factors are in play that can make a person's grief much worse. Past and current abuse, other losses, guilt, negative thought patterns, and religious beliefs can all be interplaying and creating a greater sense of grief than you may realize. Things happen in crises that people do not feel comfortable sharing because the details are too horrific. I've learned this from counseling women who are struggling with grief. 

Don't compare your grief to theirs. Grief is not ever the same. When we suffer a significant loss, we enter a relationship with grief. How we respond to grief and how we navigate through it is as unique as human to human relationships. You do your grief your way, and please, let others do theirs their way.

If you want to minister to them, go to them. Sit with them in person. If you can't be there, "show up" often with texts, messages, calls, video chats, and snail mail. Listen. Let them be free to express themselves verbally and emotionally without shame or judgement. Don't have expectations on how they should navigate through their grief. Just come along beside them and let them know they are loved, valued, and normal. Encourage them to share. Having one compassionate person who really listens and understands makes a big difference.

Life is Not Fair

From Girlfriends in God

"You and I both know that life is not fair and that our human logic is a shallow substitute for God’s sovereignty. We are broken people living in a broken world. Bad things do happen to good people while those who mock God seem to prosper, and it’s been that way for a long time. Take Job for example.

The LORD said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.’ ‘Does Job fear God for nothing?’ Satan replied. ‘Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.’ The LORD said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger’ (Job 1:8-12).

Don’t miss the important fact that God not only allowed Satan to test Job, but dictated how Satan could test him. Job went from having vast wealth to great poverty, losing everything he and his wife had, including their ten children. Job’s wife urged her husband to turn away from God, curse Him, and forsake the very faith that had blessed her and Job for so long.

Job stood firm. And so can you!"

Go here to read the rest and find the link to find out how to stand firm. You can also follow them on Facebook.

I Pray He Sends You Swallows and Turtles

Last year, after I lost two babies months apart in one pregnancy due to Vanishing Twin and a still birth, I went through some moments where I wondered if God loved me. "Lord, I have trusted you and given You this part of my life, and You use it to rip my heart out eight times now. Do You still love me? Because right now, I do not feel loved at all. Lord, I am asking You, if there is a purpose to all of this, and if You still love me, send me something so I can KNOW it is from You and will know You still love me in the rough patches I know are going to come."

And I heard that quiet, still voice ask, "What would let you know?"

"Lord, I am simple. I don't know...a turtle, Lord, send me a turtle, and I will know." (I have no idea why turtles popped into my mind at that moment.)

No one knew of my struggle because I didn't want to burden the people who were already hurting for me. So, no one knew of my prayer.

The very next morning people brought me five turtles. I never told them why I was acting so odd that day. The turtles kept coming and as they did, I'd sit down and stare at them. I realize as I am typing this I really didn't expect any to show up. 

Over the course of a few weeks, around 20 turtles were brought to me. When the five came, I had a little cry while thanking God for His love for me, a personal and individual love just for me. Then, I became a little floored..so many! "Lord, You are sending so many turtles; I see so much love!" Towards the end, I laughed. "OK, Lord, I get it. You love me without end, but I can't handle any more turtles right now!" I was brought a couple more after that.

Right on the heels of that, swallows came and nested in the awning over my front door. I have lived here 18 years and swallows have never nested at our door before. In fact, they had left our place three years earlier when we lost the big barn in the fire. The nine of us are in and out of that door dozens of times a day EACH. Very high traffic. It was unusual. I did some research on swallows and learned the symbolism behind them. I knew then it was a God-thing too!

Then the swallows needed help due to the heat, so I helped them. Then a cat ate one of the last two fledglings, and I took the other into the house until I knew it could fly well enough to avoid them. When its parents came again, I took it outside and gave them their last surviving offspring. Even though they nested elsewhere this year, the swallows come visit when I am in the yard, closer to me than anyone else, sit on the wire and "talk" to me, they fly circles over my head (the equivalent of them pointing). If I am in the backyard, that's where they will circle. If I am in the front, that is where they will fly over me. Sometimes I can call "Chip, Chip!!" and he will come from somewhere behind our property and fly over me a few times. I can tell Chip from the other swallows because he chatters at me for long moments. The people who have witnessed it are impressed. 

When I see them, which is very often right now, I think of God's willingness and eagerness to show me His love at a time I needed it most. I also think of how little Chip and I both survived a very hard year. We both needed a little bit of help..him from me and me from my Father, but we overcame some harsh realities of life.

Turtles and swallows..it's a God and me thing. You might not understand it, but I do, and that is why He sent them to me. 

No matter what comes in your life, God does love you. Surrendering shows a humble heart willing to honor the Lord with a gift however He sees fit. I was naturally hoping for another baby to hold and raise to adulthood, but God had a greater plan. Because I responded to His call in 1995 and trusted whatever His will for me in that area was, He gave me several children to hold now, several more I will hold in the future, spiritual lessons to better equip me, and at the same time, He gave me a ministry to reach others for Him. 

I also learned better how to pray for those who are hurting. When you are at your lowest, hurting and battered by this life, that is when I pray He will send you barn swallows and turtles...or the equivalent of those in your life...to reaffirm His great love for you.

The loss of any good thing in this world by a Christian is meant to reveal that Christ is more precious than all. John Piper

Psalm 145:9 The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.

Only by the Grace of God...

Only by the grace of God...

I wish I knew where to give credit because this is cool!

If you can relate to this, give thanks to the Lord, and pat yourself on the back! By His grace you are an overcomer!

Trials Show Love Is Genuine

I shared the bulk of this with a friend who came to me needing prayer and a listening ear. I expanded upon it and shared it here. 

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold; though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.  – 1 Peter 1:7

Trials also show LOVE is genuine: your love for the Lord, love for each spouse, love for your children, and love for others. When you keep going to the Lord even when you are hurt and confused and when you keep pulling together for the good of each other even when things are hard, it shows your love.

That's why we kept praying for healing and trying when there were openings for 20+ years our external family. It's why we still are praying and trying. It's not real love if we give up because the Bible says real love never stops. (I Cor 13)

^^^^^^
Closer

People see the closeness of our immediate family and comment on it frequently. It is the result of God's work in our lives and our efforts to be humble before Him. We don't get it perfect, but our trying to obey Him is what He rewards. In this amazing spiritual journey we are on, Clint and I have been through a lot of trials in many different ways. God has used them to bring us closer to Him which trickled down to us being closer to each other as a couple and as a family. He's also used them to give us a broader ministry. At the same time, He has used them to instruct and refine us individually for His purpose. 

When I was very young, I sincerely cried out to the Lord, "Let me be as close to You as I can be on this earth. Let me know You as much as I can know You. Let me experience all I can experience of You while I am here." I've been told I prayed myself into a life of hardship. I believe I prayed myself to a close relationship with my Father.

^^^^^^^

Humbleness in the Family

We are very honest with our children, "I have failed you in this way. I will probably fail again. I have hurt you. I'm sorry for my actions, words, and attitude. I will try hard not to do it again, but I am human and weak. I am trying to rely on the Lord to help me be better each day." We also tell them: 

"Anytime you think you are better in any way than someone else... 
Anytime you believe you have a right to hold anger in your heart... 
Anytime you feel you are more entitled to something than others... it's pride. Because we aren't to look at other people and the standard they set. We are to look to the Lord and live as He has said. The proud think they are there. The humble are still working towards it." 

^^^^^^^

Real Power

God resists the proud, but favors the humble. There is so much power in admitting our weaknesses and helplessness before the Lord and crying out for His help. "Be weak and My power will help you." It contrary to how we think, but it's God's way. There are so many areas of life to which this applies. 

It is such a simple concept...be weak and rely on the Lord's might. Yet, we strive so hard against it because of our pride...we WANT to be bigger than we really are. Self-righteous pride puffs us up. "No man can put on the robes of Christ’s righteousness till he has taken off his own." Charles Spurgeon

^^^^^^^

Measure

We tell our children, "One of the hardest things to deal with in this life is that
you will be hurt by the people you love, and one of the saddest to accept is that you will hurt the people who love you too. It's a part of being a sinful human being in a sinful world. And we tell them:

How quickly you ask forgiveness,
how quickly you are willing to work things out, and 
how quickly you forgive 
is a measure of the love in your heart." 

^^^^^^^

Rewards or Battle Scars

“God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.” ― Elbert Hubbard*

Medals and degrees puff us up with pride if we think it makes us better or more knowledgeable than others. Scars are what Jesus left this earth with, and it is what we will leave with if we are truly following Him. What God calls us to is nitty gritty work, and we get pretty banged up doing it.

*I do not agree with Elbert's other writings where he compared modern day writers with prophets, but I do believe this statement is accurate.

Course Changes

Nearly five years ago, Clint and I had our sweet Hannah-Bug. We hoped to conceive a few months after she was born. Years passed, and we settled in our hearts that Hannah was probably our last baby. Then we suddenly conceived and started hoping. The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Our course changed again. We accepted it and started making goals and plans in another direction. Then we conceived again. We lost twins. We resolved in our hearts that was our last pregnancy, considered ourselves blessed, and started considering adoption. Time passed. Then, suddenly and very unexpectedly, we found ourselves expecting again. Our course changed again. We tried not to let dread in and tried to trust the Lord. Then, we lost a baby. Life changed again. Weeks passed, and I still I grew very sick with the hyperemesis gravidarum. This is when we learned there had been twins, and one was still living. Our heads were spinning! WOW! We dared not to hope, but hope crept into our hearts anyway. We fell head over heels in love with baby Isaac. We talked to him, called him by name, and loved feeling him move. When the HG became so severe it tore my stomach and sent me to the ER vomiting blood, the doctor felt the very high hormone levels and healthy heartbeat indicated good things ahead. Weeks later, an ultrasound showed Isaac's still form in my womb. It was another sudden course change. After that crazy roller coaster of a journey, life put us right back to where we were accepting Hannah was our last baby. 

Life happens. Circumstances can change like the wind. Our feelings can change along with them Thankfully, God never changes. His love is constant. His goodness abounds even in the hardships we face. He isn't thrown by our circumstances. Instead, He's there ready to catch us and help us work through them.

All of us have had those sudden life direction changes that have left us gasping for breath. No one's life is untouched. Relationships fall apart. People fail us. Loved ones die. Enemies plot. Jobs are lost. Weather destroys. Health fades. Injuries happen. Disasters lay waste. Life for all of us can suddenly change in the blink of an eye at any given moment. 

We can either take God at His Word that all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, or we can stumble around in confusion, frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, and so forth. In life's crazy ups and downs, it is up to us to find these course changes to be either barriers or opportunities for serving the Lord and reaching out to help others. 

In my own life, I find the things that have challenged me the most, the very things that have hurt me the deepest, are the very things others can relate to the easiest. Don't take your story and bury it. Use it for God's glory instead. 

Quote: We Shall Thank God For Every Storm!

"If we are true Christians, we must not expect everything smooth in our journey to heaven. We must count it no strange thing, if we have to endure sicknesses, losses, bereavements, and disappointments, just like other people. Free pardon and full forgiveness, grace by the way and glory to the end – all this our Savior has promised to give. But He has never promised that we shall have no afflictions. He loves us too well to promise that.

"By affliction He teaches us many precious lessons, which without it we should never learn. By affliction He shows us our emptiness and weakness, draws us to the throne of grace, purifies our affections, weans us from the world, makes us long for heaven. In the resurrection morning we shall all say, 'it is good for me that I was afflicted.' We shall thank God for every storm." ~ J.C. Ryle

2 Corinthians 6:4-10 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance;in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

Music Video: Mandisa Only the World

If the embedded video doesn't work, click here.

"Only The World"

Been a hard one, Been a bad one
Been a tough one, Been a sad one
It's been one of those days that keeps chipping away at my heart
Nothing new here, It's what I do here
It's a stereotypical day, in the life
I'm surrounded by all of the pain and the strife
But I know it's alright, woah oh

[Chorus:]
Cause it's only the world I'm living in
It's only today I've been given
There ain't no way I'm giving in
Cause it's only the world (only the world)
I know the best is still yet to come
Cause even when my days in the world are done
There's gonna be so much more than only the world for me
Do do do do do do do do do, yeah it's only the world

Rest of lyrics here.

Questions We Ask When We Hurt the Most

When you go through something difficult in life, it's not only normal, but healthy to ask questions. That's how we learn. Because I have been through child loss before, most of the hard questions are already settled in my heart. I know there is a young woman out there somewhere hurting, wondering why her arms are empty, asking why, so I am telling you I've been there. And, I am sharing what I believe and what gives comfort to me:

There are moral consequences when we sin. If someone steals a car and is caught, they know they will end up facing some form of punishment. If someone dies from an overdose of illegal substances, we accept they did something foolish which caused their death. If we mistreat someone, the person's hurt, anger, and reaction are part of the consequences we reap. Generally, we don't have to ask why when we face moral consequences.

There are consequences of people doing evil to us. If someone stabs us, we suffer pain and might die. We understand that the suffering is caused by the hands of someone full of evil and hatred. 

Even if we don't like someone, we should not take joy in their suffering. (Job 31:29, Obadiah 1:12, Proverbs 17:5, Proverbs 24:7, Ezekiel 25:6)

There are natural consequences to the sin of this world. The earth was altered from the way God meant it to be when we, as a human race, chose to go our own way. Death and disease and untold suffering entered this earth. It's why Alzheimer's patients suffer. It's why there are natural disasters and car accidents. It's why people suffer and die from cancer. It's why our bodies fail us. It's why babies die in the womb or shortly after birth. 

The Bible is pretty clear that there will be suffering on this earth, and tells us we should not be surprised by it. No one is immune from it. Suffering shows us our desperate need for God and doing things HIS way. Suffering shows us the results of doing it our way. I believe that once we get to Heaven and realize the full scope of suffering sin has caused, that we who are His, will never have any desire to be outside His will again. 

After my first miscarriage, instead of "Why me?" I asked myself "Why not me? This entire world is hurting, why am I surprised when hurt comes to me?" And, "Who would I wish this on? No one. I would not want to see anyone hurting this deeply." 

With my first loss, I tried blaming myself by coming up with all of these creative ways my normal day to day actions caused the miscarriage. Then, I saw a picture taken by Kevin Carter in 1994 (graphic image) that showed a small, starving child struggling to make it to a relief camp while a hungry vulture looked on waiting for him to die. "What did that child do to deserve that? Nothing. Then why do I try find a way to blame myself for my child's death?" 

A while later, I saw an image of a mother struggling to breastfeed two emaciated children from shriveled breasts. She was starving herself, clearly had little to no milk, but was giving all she had for her children. "My suffering is very light compared to the suffering around the world. My child died, but will never know that kind of hunger or struggle. He (or she) will never know disease or suffering. I will not have to watch them go through hardship. In some ways, I can count myself and my child blessed."

I have a friend who just lost her ONLY child. I still have my seven living children. Do I believe God loves her less than me? that I am somehow more favored? that she sinned and deserved the suffering she is going through? NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I have several friends who unmarried, an in law who suffered several late term losses, several friends who are infertile, and several who are terminally ill. Do I automatically assume they did something wrong? NO! Then why do we punish ourselves with those horrible assumptions that run through our head? Pain can get so big that it momentarily blocks out the Truth. 

I asked myself once: "What in the world did I do? God must really hate me to keep doing this to me." I felt the Holy Spirit ask "What makes you think it is about you? It's about ME. You gave me your life, and I am using it to point people to Me." 

It's not about me. It's about not being in control of my life but surrendering to His will. Those prayers I prayed asking God to use me, to use my life to bring others to know Him, to not let my life be a waste...are being answered. Joni Eareckson Tada said "You were made for one purpose, and that is to make God real to those around you." Now, I'd rather be rich and giving my testimony over duck calls and cheesy story lines on "reality TV," but I am not on Duck Dynasty. I am a simple woman who loves her God. 

There are a lot of people who believe the closer you are to Christ, the more you speak out on your faith, the more persecution you will see. I am still searching Scripture on this, but I do see a correlation between those who are really trying to live for the Lord and a greater extent of suffering. Reading about the lives of great missionaries, evangelists, preachers, and martyrs lends support to this. My point is, if you are following Christ, you will see suffering.

Suffering grows us spiritually. (James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-5) It makes us stronger and more mature as Christians. The sweetest and humblest Christians you know are the ones who have been through the most suffering. For this reason, we are to count it for joy when we suffer because God's love is poured directly into our hearts through the Holy Spirit so we can not only know and understand Him better, but also point others to Him. 

Charles Stanley said "Nothing attracts an unbeliever like a saint suffering successfully." Sharing the things that hurt draws other people's attention to us like no other time in our lives. Not too many people can relate to my successes as a homeschooling mother, but every compassionate human on this planet can relate to pain, suffering, and disappointment. It is through my sufferings and overcoming them with my faith that I can best show others the God I believe in and serve. 

Even though my heart is very broken over Isaac and Mary and all of my miscarried babies before them, my faith in God still stands strong. He has given me enough of a glimpse to understand a little of His plan to give me strength and comfort. My "lost" children aren't lost. They're in the presence of the Lord. I will see them, know them, and love on them. Also in that day, any who took joy in our suffering will be put to silence and shame. God's plan is incredible, and He is very worthy to be praised!

I Peter 1:6b-9 ...for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I Peter 5:9b-10  ...you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Have You Been Diagnosed with a Blighted Ovum?

Please read this before you consent to a D&C or other pregnancy ending procedure: http://www.squidoo.com/misdiagnosedblightedovum

On Infertility:

I found a lot of comfort in the Scriptures which talk about how God controls the womb. I stopped looking to myself/doctors and started pleading with Him to open my womb. I also came to a place in my faith where I asked that if there would not be any (or any more during the secondary infertility) children that God would change my heart so that I would be content. I felt like I was letting my husband and others down and well, it was just very difficult times.

I also found these links helpful:

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ChartGallery/ charts your cycle to help you pinpoint ovulation. One big mistake women (and even doctors) make is that they do not "baby dance" (s*x) until they think they have ovulated. A woman has to baby dance before ovulation. If you wait until the test kits say you have ovulated, it's too late.

http://www.tryingtoconceive.com/ has many helpful tips with suggested herbs and supplements for both spouses to correct infertility issues.

Here's a book I highly recommend (even though I dislike the title) and why: http://contentmentacres.blogspot.com/search?q=fertility This book educates a woman as to how her body works and explains why ovulation predictor tests are often used incorrectly. I thought I knew all there was about how the female body worked until I got this book. It is WELL worth the investment.