I'll take that as a no...

It wasn't really that bad. She knew I'd laugh. I did!

Dear Reader, I am thankful to have children who look after me and try to lift my spirits as much as I look after them. Is there someone you can reach out to right now and lighten their load by making them smile or laugh?

So...This Happened

This is so embarrassing, and I've debated with myself about sharing it. I am sharing it because everybody has a stupid moment, and I know ya'll can use a laugh.

I am not at my home where there are no close neighbors and where we are surrounded by forest giving me the luxury of great privacy. That's my normal for over 26 years. I appreciate that privacy so much more after today.

I am staying in a nice house which is in view of the road. Not fully awake, I took two steps outside early this morning to pour water into a bowl for some feral and pathetic-looking cats that were dropped off months ago. That's one of the things I do here for the owner while they are away.

I didn't think it would take more than a few seconds and did not think of a robe or anything else. My only concern in my half-asleep state was that the bowl was bone dry, and I wanted to get some water to the poor animals before I got into the shower.

What I didn't know: During certain times of the year, the front door is tricky, and the deadbolt must be engaged to keep the door locked. That means the knob lock isn't usually effective. So, when I unlocked the deadbolt and the door popped opened, I guess I subconsciously assumed the knob lock was unlocked.

That stinkin' door shut behind me just as I took the two steps necessary to reach the bowl. I wasn't worried. I finished pouring the water, turned around, and tried to open the door. It didn't open. I tried the door again. I was very sleepy, so I paused and tried one more time. I would pay money to see my face when I fully realized my situation.

I was wearing only a long t-shirt and my underwear. Crazy hair. My cell phone was inside. No coffee needed today! Suddenly, I was WIDE AWAKE!! :-D

I did not want to walk a quarter a mile to the neighbor's house looking like I was. Not an option. I quickly imagined the description of me being given to the 911 dispatcher, the deputy rolling up, and me having to explain myself. NOPE.

I tried the other doors and windows. All locked. I tried breaking into this house multiple ways while ducking out of view every time a car came. AND, just what is up with all of the traffic on this road today?!! I kicked it beside the knob several times. I hard-shouldered it. I tried to pry it open. Nothing worked. I was desperate!

I forgot about the road at one point. A truck came to a stop while I was slinging a large pipe wrench at the window on the door. Thankfully for his benefit, my body was mostly shielded by the deck railings. I knew the door was cheaper to replace than the windows I could crawl through. My plan was to bust the one pane and unlock the door. The heavy pipe wrench bounced off the door's glass every time, and the driver must have thought twice of messing with a crazy-looking and acting woman because he drove off. Let me tell you, that was one smart move on his part because I was in "some kinda mood!"

There were a few more harried adventures until I finally remembered....

There is a spare key.

Lord help me help my stupid self! :-D I was not laughing when I remembered the key, but I am laughing now. Mercy!

I've never had to use it, so it wasn't in my sleepy head. Once I collected myself, I called the owner of the home--just in case someone calls them. I am now re-evaluating my friendship j/k because they couldn't stop laughing.

When I called my C-Dawg and told him about my morning manic moment, he only commiserated with a short "Oh no!" Then he laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. :-D

I am here tomorrow too. I'll shower, dress, AND have the coffee BEFORE opening the door.

I love you all...have a good laugh and a great weekend!

PS- I also relearned that an unrestricted bosom is no friend of a running woman. 

Tomato Damage

The damage to this tomato plant had me perplexed! 

All of the leaves were stripped off two sides. 

I had to see what was happening to figure it out. 

Three kittens were playing on the corner railing and kept falling off...knocking the leaves off of the sides next to the railing. 

Little fuzzy stinkers!

He Knows My Heart

A bunch of our friends got a big kick out of this when I told them about it, 
so I figured I'd share it here.

This was a gift from my beloved for our 34th DATING anniversary.

It's not one but TWO LOADS OF CRAP!

I texted that thought to him. He said he was suddenly laughing out loud in the middle of bunch of bewildered strangers in Home Depot! I smile every time I walk by the pile which is several times a day.

It's not all aged manure though. It's a little over 2 cu yards of a special and bit pricey compost for my garden. We have purchased all kinds of material for our garden beds, but this is by far the most expensive!

I am experimenting with growing medicinal and culinary mushrooms on our farm, so I needed this particular mix which only has a percentage of manure in it. I am also using it for other things in our garden. It won't last long!

Clint also purchased a little more than I asked for because he knows I will share a few bucketfuls with neighborhood gardeners.

I am sure some of you are thinking I've lost my mind wanting such a simple thing. It's certainly not glamorous, but it makes me very happy to have it. It's a gift only fellow gardeners will appreciate.

I can put this to practical use right away and eventually it will yield a harvest which will bless our circle of family and friends. That is what gives me joy and means so much more to me than an evening out! I am tremendously blessed to have a husband who knows my heart and responds to it.

SO MUCH FUN!!!

The first Christmas Eve gift I gave everyone was socks. We all wear the same socks in the same color since it simplifies life a bit. None of them complained, but you could see from their faces they were expecting something a little different. Joshua said, "Mom actually gave us socks for Christmas!" I said, "I solved my problem of never being able to find any. Merry Christmas to me!" Their looks were hilarious!

Not too long later...

I gave Clint his Nerf N Strike Elite first. He thought that was the ONLY ONE I bought. He loved it and immediately started on our children. (The darts don't hurt as long as it isn't up close.) 

I waited about an hour, and let him dig a deep hole.  

Then, I opened mine, and let the children take turns using it. Clint again thought that was all there was. Clint was still king of the house at that point. 

I waited another hour. THEN, I gave ALL of the children theirs. 

Clint saw they all had one and turned to me and said, "Hey! That's not cool!" (The picture is the look he gave me when he figured it out! HAHA) 

Total anarchy ensued! 

The house is littered with the 2k rounds of foam darts! No one was hurt and nothing was broken, but 

the memories are going to be priceless! 

They have had a blast and have worn themselves out. 

None of them came after me because I gave them the blasters! 

Merry Christmas to all!



I will try to upload some more picts asap.
Right now, I have to clean up and put the presents under the tree, fill the "wise men bags," make the turkey and ham croissants, and do the other prep work for the people dearest to me. I have my blaster ready for action on my hip.

Oh NO She Didn't!!!

We have always rough housed with our children. It started when they were toddlers. We'd call them one by one for bedtime and rough house on the bed with them before we prayed and exchanged hugs and kisses. It sent them to bed with love, fun, and a smile. We also gave self defense tips to them as we played.

Our children are older and so are we, so we don't rough house with them as much.

But, now and again, we still do.

Emily came for her hug and a kiss, and I asked Clint to grab her so I could tickle her.

Right off the bat, this spunky girl looks at Clint and says, 
"You know I have the advantage here, right?"

Clint said curiously, "Oh yeah? Why is that?"

Emily said between laughs,
"Cause you're old!!"

Have mercy!!
It was ON then!!!
I am 6 months older than Clint!
We had to show Miss Smack Talk what OLD could do!

Yeah, he got her, and I tickled her! 
We ganged up on her until we were all three oxygen deprived from the laughter.

This is the same mischievous and fiesty child who tells her older and larger siblings she isn't afraid of them when they start playing with her...
"because you're weak!"

God gave Emily to me after a period where I lost children. The stillbirth was especially traumatic. I kept going for my family and took joy in what I had, but I was still sad my babies had died. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was filled with overflowing joy! Hence, her middle name! She loves that story and knows God used her in her mom's life before she was born. I knew in the womb Emily would be a "firecracker!" She was so very active and responded to sounds outside of the womb. It was a fun pregnancy, and every day with her continues to be such a blessing!

Lending Out Siblings

A friend asked Joshua if he would let her draw blood to help her complete her nursing assignment. Not only is he letting her stick him, he volunteered to let her stick Bethany too!

You Don't Know How Many Cats You Have?

I shop in bulk according to weekly and seasonal sales and try to stock up with enough to last until the next sale. I usually keep a price book and can usually tell you which store has the best price on an item. Add my frugal shopping practices and our family size together, and you get some odd looking grocery orders! It can be quite humorous.

When our children were little and many, I found a great deal on canned beans and cat food at one store. This was the deal of the year, and I wanted to be a good steward and stock up! My shopping carts had several large bags of cat food and several dozens cans of beans. 

The cashier greeted Clint and I warmly. She had big eyes and a higher pitched voice with a very heavy southern accent. She was animated and friendly. She was talking nonstop in that "does she ever take a breath" kind of way. 

All of a sudden, she started talking loudly about our order. "Man, ya'll must like beans. You sure do have a lot of beans. How many beans do ya'll have in your cart? This is a lot of beans! All of these beans for you?!!" I hate having attention drawn to me and wanted to crawl under the cart. Her questions were loud and rapid fire leaving me no time to answer.

To make it worse, she was ringing the cans 

one. 

at. 

a. 

time. 

"Ya'll like beans THIS much? How often do ya'll eat these beans? How many beans do you buy? What do you make with all of these beans? Where you gonna put all of these beans?" ....and on and on. She was a question firing machine gun. It became unreal. People were listening in and looking at us and our order. I groaned inwardly. I could not wait for it to be over.

Then the hilarity of her speculation about our beans hit me. About the same time, Clint looked at me. I could tell he found her commentary about our order humorous too. The man likes to try to make me laugh in public, so I avoided eye contact with him after this point. I didn't want to her feelings to be hurt if I started laughing. 

I tried to calm her excitement over our beans by explaining it was a really good sale, we have a larger than normal family size, and I try to take advantage of sales when I can, they would last us many months, but she didn't seem to hear me because she never stopped talking about those canned beans. 

Then...

She spied the cat food.

Have.

Mercy.

We live on a farm where feline skills are needed and appreciated. We also take in unwanted cats (and other animals) and re-home them for our friends and family. I am not big on cats in the house, but I don't mind them in the yard at all. At the time of this grocery store visit, I had just re-homed a few cats for a military family and took in a couple of others from a friend. One of those gave birth to kittens. Life as a mother of many young ones plus homeschooling plus gardening and food preservation plus the livestock plus an internet business was very full, and the current number of cats wasn't a priority. We had less than a dozen at the time. On a farm where you need rodent control to protect livestock feed that is not many. 

She was off to the races again with commentary on the cat food. "That's a lot of cat food! You must have a ton of cats! How do you keep so many cats?! Do you know all of their names? Are they all inside or outside? How many pounds of cat food is this? How long will this cat food feed your cats?" 

Then she looked at me in the eye and said, "How many cats do you have?" She took a breath, so I answered honestly, "I don't know..." intending to explain, but she erupted in horror. She was so loud!

"Oh my gosh! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY CATS YOU HAVE?! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY CATS YOU HAVE?!" She kept going, but I couldn't hear her. I looked up at Clint for help, and there 

my traitor husband 

was with his eyes twinkling 

and his mouth smirking 

in just that way that sets me off. 

He had me and knew it. Worse, I knew it and had no control over it.

Worried I might hurt her feelings, I immediately tucked my head down and walked very rapidly right out of the store out of her sight and earshot before I burst out laughing hysterically. 

I was still gulping for air when Clint came to the car with our groceries laughing with a pointed finger. "You left me!! You left me!!!! YOU abandoned me in that store!!" Then he said, "Hey Wendy, how many cats do you have?" We both doubled over!

Our very inquisitive cashier gave us a gift we are still enjoying. We look at each other every now and then and ask out of the blue, 

"You don't know how many cats you have?!!" 

At the time of this writing, we have six cats. ;-) Two live indoors at the request of my children. 

I never know where something like this might pop up.

I had a bag of googly eyes that had sat in my craft supplies for years.
My children found them.
That includes my adult children too.

Now I never know where I'll see something staring back at me!

This house is a fun place to live!

Yes, I take the Kyo-Green tablets. I love the energy boost they give me!

Funny Ad for a Passenger Van Owned by Large Family

source:  2005 Ford E350 XL Extended 15 passenger van - $3800

We're selling our 2005 Ford E350 XL Extended 15 passenger van. Photos attached. In the interest of full disclosure, here's more information and a partial list of its issues. Please read before making an offer. Thanks!

The van is missing a speaker in the side door. My kids have been throwing random items in the speaker hole for years. So, you may end up with some very special treasures. Or really old chicken nuggets. Probably both.

One side of the van has a yellow scuff mark on it. That's courtesy of me and a battle with a yellow concrete parking divider (I did not win). The other side of the van has a matching white scuff mark. That one is courtesy of my wife. She completes me. In related news, you know how most cars these days come equipped with a fancy backup cameras? This one does not.

My wife and I have used this van for the better part of a decade. We're a lovely couple, but we sometimes inadvertently back into inanimate objects. Also, we've been forced to take defensive driving class a few more times than the average American. That said, there are a number of other minor scratches, dents, and places where the paint is chipped on this vehicle.

When you open the side doors, the rubber door liner is detached in some places. It still does its job, but it looks stupid.

The van came equipped with automatic door locks. Unfortunately, they no longer work. Somehow, something got reversed and the locking motor ran without ceasing until the button was pressed and held down. Rather than taking the van to a repair shop like a normal person, I duct taped the button down to keep the motor from running. At some point the duct tape failed and the motor ran until it eventually burned up or something. Anyhow, the automatic door locks don't work. Each door must be locked and unlocked manually. Duct tape is not included.

We're a family of 11. Every one of our children has thrown up in this van at some point in the past decade--most notably, on this trip: http://www.joshwoodtx.com/college-station-2015/. We have had the van detailed a couple times since then (shout out to Xtreme Auto Re-Styling Center for tackling a level of depravity unrivaled in the world of passenger transport.) The van is clean now; but, it will probably always be inhabited by the ghost of vomit past.

The automatic windows work! This is good because the air conditioner does not. Well, it sort of works and sort of doesn't. It works fine until you accelerate past ~45 miles per hour. After that, the gas pedal essentially functions as an on/off switch for the air conditioner. Accelerate = AC off. Decelerate = AC on. I don't understand why. But, then again, as you've probably gathered by now, I don't understand most things about cars.

The windshield is cracked.

There's a 20" tv mounted to the ceiling. It works and is connected to an in-dash DVD player. This is a handy feature as it helps distract kids from the intermittent air conditioning and smell of decaying chicken nuggets.

I don't think that the front speakers work. Actually, just assume that they don't. Better yet, if you're wondering if some particular part of the van works, just assume it doesn't work in the way that Ford originally intended it to work.

I looked the van up on Kelley Blue Book. $4,396. Unfortunately, Kelley Blue Book only allows me to choose between the following conditions: excellent, very good, good, and fair. I chose "fair" since "sad" was not an option. I've adjusted my asking price accordingly.

The heater works. Also, the van has a hitch and wiring for a trailer.

In order to save myself a bit of time answering requests for more information, I've decided to add a FAQ section below:

FAQ

Q: "Have you performed all proper maintenance and religiously changed the oil every 3,000 miles?"
A: [laughter] No. No, I have not. Does this article make you feel better? It made me feel better. https://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/11/your-money/11shortcuts.html

Q: "Are those 143,000 miles mostly highway miles?"
A: Well, a lot of them are. However, we've been using this van as our farm van for the past year or so. Also, in efforts to find quicker routes, I've been known to disobey Siri's directions. These "shortcuts" have sometimes taken us on exotic, off-road adventures. I'm pretty sure those miles cancel out all of the so-called "highway miles."

Q: "Is the registration current?"
A: Yes! It should be noted, however, that first 3 letters of the current license plate are FRT. We have five boys under the age of 12 in our house. This is a very unfortunate combination.

Q: "How are the tires and the brakes?"
A: They seem to be ok; but, as with everything else, I recommend getting them checked out. I did buy the tires at Discount Tire, so there's a warranty with them.

One last note: I recommend getting this thing checked over by a mechanic before buying. Everything under the hood looks and sounds fine to me; but, then again, I would have no idea if it didn't look or sound right.

Flight of Fancy

Hannah: "Mom, I wish we could take some feathers and make ourselves some wings so we could fly."

Me: "Hannah, that's exciting! Where would you fly to?"

Hannah: "I'd fly over the farm and sit in the top of a tree." 

Me: "But, you have the WHOLE day. Wouldn't you want to fly somewhere else?"

Hannah: "Mom, I don't want to get lost!"

Not in a hurricane or a flood or an earthquake:

My late grandfather, Rollis I. Bailey, worked in construction and could do just about anything you can imagine with wood. He gave both of his sons a trade and his natural skill has been inherited by my Caleb. Because my Pop was so proficient with building, he always noticed the quality of construction. One of my favorite memories of him was when we were burying a loved one. He looked around the mausoleum interior and quietly reflected on the poor workmanship in a low voice with great conviction, "I sure wouldn't want to be in here in a hurricane." I could not help myself; I laughed. I am still laughing over it nearly 10 years later. Every time I see shoddy construction, I hear those words in my head ...and sometimes repeat them.

Naughty and Nice

Those naughty and nice geese of ours keep life both fun and frustrating! 

When it is not breeding season, they will eat out of my hands. If they hear me talking in the house, they will rush to that window and try to get my attention. If I walk outside, they rush towards me and greet me with such noise! If I sit on a blanket on the ground, they will encircle me and sit down to "visit." 

When they are sitting on eggs of have goslings, they are all business! I am no longer their buddy, and I had better steer clear of their nests. If I dare to check a nest, I am in hot water for days. They will fuss at me every time they see me.

They are toddler like with their curiosity. They will manipulate anything I have low enough for them to reach with their beaks. If it is light enough, they will try to make off with it. 

Gardening has been especially challenging! They went behind us and pulled up the tomato plants! The first time, they left them right beside the holes. We replanted them as soon as we saw them, and they recovered just fine. So, the next time those mischievous geese saw them, they made off with the plants! I have no idea where they took them! We still have a few dozen tomato plants in other areas, but boy, those geese keep us on our toes!

Our geese are great guardians of the yard. Nothing comes through without us knowing about it because the geese will sound the alarm. They frighten off dogs, foxes, and raccoons which makes them a valuable addition to the farmyard.

The Best Part of Waking Up...

I don't know whether to laugh or puke. Joshua just told me that when he was little he thought the Folgers jingle 

"♬ The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup! ♬" was

"♬The best part of waking up is VULTURES in your cup. ♬"

It's That Time of Year

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time: weight lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence ... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon ... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little fellow quietly replied, "I work for the IRS."

"I'll Fix It Mom"

Emily came to me when her sole started to separate from her old shoe while she was working. I didn't want the tree sap ruin her new shoes. Caleb overheard and decisively said, "I have this." He walked away with Emily. Emily came back with orange electrical tape wrapped around her shoe! She LOVED that her big brother "fixed" her shoe for her. Years ago, Clint did the same with one of Caleb's old shoes while we were working outside. 

Your children are watching and will emulate you, parents. Even the adult children are watching and tucking into their hearts lessons which will be pulled out later. We are stewards over them for the Lord. They are learning how to love or hate, forgive or hold grudges, be thankful or resentful, rejoice or grumble, come together or stay apart, work or be lazy, self control or self seeking, live for the Lord or live for themselves, and so much more. Be a parent who glorifies the Lord!

Titus 1:7 For an overseer, as God's steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain,

I Peter 5:3 Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.

Good Medicine

Clint said, "With all of the comedians in this family, our future family reunions are going to be something else!"

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

I Wonder if He Kept Eating Them After Being Told

Here's a chuckle for those in the know: A friend enjoys providing eggs as a ministry to their external family. His father refused the last dozen saying he didn't want any more eggs from their farm because they came out of chickens' butts. He'd "rather get the ones at the grocery store made at the factory" because he just couldn't "stomach eating anything" that came out of something's butt.

I imagine that was a rude awakening!

I'll Go with that Analysis

I am not a fan of starlings because they are an invasive species that has caused a lot of damage to our native songbirds and agriculture. This is one reason we are adding more bluebird nest boxes on our farm every year. 

I spotted a flock of starlings feeding in our yard one rainy day in September and said, "We have been invaded by starlings. Those are enemies to our bluebirds."

Emily asked if she can leave her school work to look at them. One of her new words is eruption, and I think that was the word she trying to work into her sentence. 

When she saw the size of the flock, she exclaimed, "OH! That's a corruption!"

For the sake of our bluebirds, I'll go with corruption!

Some Wildlife at Contentment Acres

Raccoons are always around.

This opossum looks quite ferocious!

While we are well aware of their destructive nature, our new groundhog is staying well away from the house, so it's not a problem. This is the first time we've seen one on our place.


painted turtle


turkey vulture

Black vulture, taken through the screen window
These are smaller and tend to be more aggressive than the turkey vultures.

Emily came to me and said, "Mom, there are two really, really, really BIG black birds in the side yard."

Me: "It sounds like crows, sweetheart. Go back to your school work."

Emily with a serious you-need-to-check-this-out-to-make-me-feel-safe tone: "Mom, (pause) it's a CREEPY kind of bird."

I did a double take at how close to the window it was. Then I went to see what had it breaking our understanding of "you stay over there and I'll stay over here." My middle children had left the hose on (FOR HOURS-UGH!) and a pond of clean water had formed. This guy and a buddy came to drink!

Of course, when I see a vulture, I remember Caleb's hilarious efforts to catch one. I didn't let him stop taking baths, but he did put effort into it.