Be Kind to the Empty Armed Mothers

Many years ago, I lost a son in April. 
I have had nine baby losses.

That is why you often see posts about baby loss and how to help those grieving. Helping others is how I help myself. When you go through something traumatic and find healing for it, you want to help others find healing.

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I am walking with a woman who had a very traumatic birth event that led to the death of her baby. It was three years ago, and she is still struggling so hard. She might be further along in the healing process if she was not surrounded by family and a community who holds stoicism as their god. 

She is not allowed to show any emotion or express any feeling without sharp condemnation. Oh, the stuff they say! It fires me up! She feels one way and is forced to act another way. That creates great internal conflict. The burden they have added to her is tremendous. Lord, help her!

Grief is as unique as each of us are. Please don't compare someone's loss with anyone else's. That's trivializing. Comparing can be beneficial in helping us recognize someone's grief, but it doesn't/shouldn't help us define their level of pain. 

No one can know the extent of another person's pain. Grief is very complex and can be increased or decreased through so many factors.

Please don't relabel their grief as "wanting pity" or "feeling sorry for yourself" or "selfishness." Grief: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death synonyms: anguish, misery, distress, agony, torment, affliction source

Remember Jesus wept over Lazarus! Even when He knew He'd raise him from the dead! Jesus grieved over someone he was going to see again soon. For some reason, mothers who have lost babies are forced to hide their grief and pretend everything is OK. Let them grieve. The process serves a purpose. 

Jesus would not have exampled grief if it was not important. 

If you really want to help them, put action to your concern for them. Send a condolence card. Send a meal. Text them often. Send them a memorial ornament or figurine. Send them a basket of self care items with a thinking of you card. Send them a cut out of your hand with a Bible verse written on it. Let them know you will pick up their online grocery order, drive it to their house, and help put it away. Act with thoughtful, kind expressions of love and concern. If you do nothing, how will they know anyone cares? What if everyone had the "thought" to do something, but no one followed through? Love is an action verb.

Continued from the first paragraph: Interestingly, this woman was my friend when I was losing babies. At the time, she held the belief of her community and was calloused towards me in my grieving. When doctor's gave her the diagnosis, people stopped being around her. I sent her a baby gift and a note telling her I would keep fighting for her baby's life through prayer until we knew God's will. When her baby died, I was the only person who sent her a condolence card. She told me it meant so much to her that I acknowledged her baby's life/death and recognized her pain. Now, she tries to educate others that grief is a normal process that helps us heal. Even though she is still working through her own grief, she is ministering to others. Love is an action verb!! Agape love wins!

"Denying emotions creates distance. But, embracing our feelings can be an important piece of cultivating empathy and to growing as a human being connected with every other human being.  

We don’t have to be dictated by our emotions, but we can allow them to guide us in our interactions and relationships. We aren’t robots, and it does no good to our neighbors when we pretend otherwise". source

Love gave the blow that for a little while makes the desert more dreary, but Heaven more homelike. -Hudson Taylor